In a report carried out by the independent railway watchdog, TravelWatch, it is revealed that a staggering one in five railway tunnels in the UK are made of either cake, or in the worst cases, unbaked cake mix.
The report, published in PassengerFocusMag, accused the government and National Rail of “woeful and baffling negligence” in letting the tunnels fall into such a state of disrepair and confectionery.
“Everybody loves tunnels and everybody loves cakes”, the report continued, “but only a very small demographic love both tunnels and cakes at the same time. That 20% of our great nation’s railway tunnels have been found to be made of cake is a damning indictment of the current government’s lax attitude to public transport – this report calls for an immediate meeting of the House of Commons to discuss this ludicrously overlooked issue.
Had it not been for the keen eyes of a dog-walker in the East Riding of Yorkshire, this problem would have been overlooked for who knows how many years more. As it is, replacing the cake with mortar and stones will be an expensive and arduous process. We’re lucky that no fatalities have occurred as a result of one fifth of railway bridges being made of cake.”
Kevin Barton, Head of Cake and Seismology at Glasgow University, released a statement in connection with the shocking news:
“Cake is not a durable substance. It buckles under tiny amounts of pressure, and goes stale when left out for too long. If imbibed with cream, jam, chocolate, or other condiments, its strength diminishes enormously and it may not even be able to support a pile of plastic forks. It’s a wonder that no cake-bridges have collapsed on trains, particularly Virgin Pendolinos. They go very fast.”
Experts worry that unless the issue is dealt with quickly, more and more infrastructures could be found to be made of cake.
Mr Kipling was unavailable for comment.