Barack Obama gave a speech from the White House yesterday assuring the American people that the United States wold not go to war with Syria. 

He went on to say that far from removing the Assad regime, the USA would welcome it as the governing body of what is now the 51st state in the USA, the state of Syria.

“I realise that man of you will be surprised to hear this” realised Obama “but the inclusion of Syria in our country really is the best way to avoid war and maximise social and political cohesion.

The federal government of the United States will take charge of any and all oil profits in Syria, as well as collecting all chemical weapons.”

When asked whether these chemical weapons would be turned over to the UN, President Obama became temporarily deaf.

The President assured listeners that he would not be overreaching his executive powers in the control of Syria.

“I have, constitutionally, no right to impede Governor Assad’s running of the Syrian state. I would never presume to interfere with the internal running of a state as long as it complies with federal law.”

President Obama also issued a statement announcing several changes to federal law, including the outlawing of basic human rights, freedom of religion, and democracy.

He concluded the speech by introducing Darth Vader and Napoleon to the stage, and dancing with them upon the cinders of the Constitution. 


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