THOUSANDS OF MOVIEGOERS LEFT EMOTIONALLY SCARRED AFTER CONFUSING ‘CAPTAIN PHILLIPS’ WITH ‘PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN’

Preteens nationwide scared shitless

The arrival of Tom Hanks’ new film, based on the true events of 2009 when the Maersk Alabama was attacked by Somalian pirates, unfortunately coincided with the news that Pirates of the Caribbean 5 is soon to be in cinemas.

Preteens, children, and teenagers all flocked to the opening night of ‘Captain Phillips’ to see what they thought would be a laugh-a-minute swashbuckling adventure featuring Johnny Depp as a rambunctious pirate.

However, they were soon treated to a harrowing tale about modern-day piracy and the terror-stricken life of young Somalians who, their fishing lifestyle destroyed by multi-national companies, have turned to piracy as a last resort.

‘Captain Phillips’ features strong violence and language, and deals with humanitarian issues far above the comprehension of the misplaced audience.

The Oracle tried to speak to one 12-year old boy who attended, but he was still a gibbering wreck.

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ON THIS DAY: DOW JONES LOSES RECORD 38.33 POINTS ON “BLACK MONDAY”

“I’m sure that the worst is over – if not, at least people will learn from this economic disaster in the future” – Herbert Hoover

On the 28th October 1929, the US Stock Market jolted down a record 38.33 points on what was to become known as “Black Monday”. As a result of rampant speculation, the weakness of the so-called “Bull Market” was revealed, and nervous shareholders sold stocks at an increasingly rapid rate. This led to more people losing faith, more stocks being sold, and eventually the whole damn thing imploding.

Luckily, Black Monday was the peak of the Stock Market Crash, and things got instantly better. In fact, only 24 hours later the Dow was up by 50 points and people everywhere were bathing in tubs of solid gold. Money was being used to light fat Cuban cigars; dancing women lined the streets; the cinema entered a golden age of frivolity and fun; John Steinbeck made millions with his novel “Everyone’s Wealthy, so Don’t Grumble”.

It was the beginning of The Great Depression, so called because the combined weight of everybody’s wallets literally made a depression in the Earth. Love was cheap and life was high; Communism was banished forever and World War Two was narrowly avoided because Adolf Hitler became a wealthy artist living in Bavaria.

What a time to be alive.

OBAMA CONFESSES: “I FIRST STARTED INTERCEPTING CALLS WHEN DATING MICHELLE”

“I was always suspicious about where she was and who she was talking to” the President continued in a statement from the White House yesterday.

The news that US President Barack Obama first started eavesdropping on phone calls while dating his now-wife Michelle comes as Europe erupts in furore over his alleged spying on 60 million Spanish civilians and 1 German Chancellor.

The President explained that, far from being in the interest of national security, his spying on Michelle was purely to ascertain whether she was being as faithful to him as he was to her.

“I never knew whether she was talking to her parents or a string of illicit boyfriends” confessed Obama, scratching the ground with the toe of his shoe, “and I didn’t want to take any risks. So I used my already considerable power to weave an ingenious network of high-tech spy gizmos around her life.”

The President explained that he got a friend to steal Michelle’s phone, before returning it with a tiny little man hidden inside. The man, equipped with a pen and paper, jotted down whatever Michelle said before passing it on to the future President.

Sources close to Michelle Obama have told The Oracle that the First Lady is “brewing up one helluva hissy fit”.

OBAMA CONFESSES TO EAVESDROPPING ON INCOMING BRITISH STORM

“It was a matter of national urgency; we needed to know whether the storm was planning a grassroots Islamic movement.”

“We are not eavesdropping on it now, and we will not be eavesdropping on it in the future. But we have been eavesdropping on it since its conception until just a few seconds ago” the President confessed at a press conference yesterday, hurriedly deleting the “StormSpy” app from his iPhone.

Angela Merkel was present at the conference, and was later heard to remark “reich reich reich lebensraum schnell schnell untermenschen”.

‘The Oracle Weather’ predicts the incoming storm will wash away most of the British Isles, leaving only Birmingham and Glasgow. It is said the living will envy the dead.

END OF BRITISH SUMMERTIME THROWS WORLD INTO CHAOS

Clerical error sees time forever halted on 26th October 2013.

Daylight Saving Time was adopted by the UK during the First World War as a way of conserving coal; less darkness during working hours meant less energy was needed to light the streets. Although met with much backlash and criticism since then, it has nevertheless become a major part of modern lifestyle, with many a lonely person living only to celebrate each alteration of the clocks.

However, when the clocks were turned back last night a clerical error at Greenwich Observatory threw the world – and indeed the wider universe – into a time warp-esque chaos.

In a grave error of judgement, Professor Nicola Williams of the Greenwich Observatory, England, turned back the clocks at the stroke of midnight – rather than at 2am, when they are supposed to be turned back.

This resulted in the world being shunted backwards an hour, back into the 26th October. When midnight came again, Williams – following her solemn duty to turn back the clocks on the 27th October – turned them back another hour, throwing the world once more into the 26th October.

At the time of press, the world has been thrown back 10 times into ‘yesterday’, with no signs of stopping. Although experts are at Greenwich right now trying to stop the clocks from heading back yet again, it is The Oracle’s opinion that this error can never be reversed; that for all intents and purposes, time has stopped on the 26th October 2013.

May God have mercy on us all.

MALALA YOUSAFZAI CONVICTED OF WAR CRIMES IN “TRIAL OF THE CENTURY”

“I won’t rest until every single Japanese dirtbag is scrubbed from the Earth” spat Yousafzai at her trial at the Hague yesterday.

It was revealed during the trial that Yousafzai is behind the international terrorist group al-Jazeera and is a vehement supporter of their number one rule: all Japanese must die.

It was this belief that led Yousafzai to order the deaths of twelve million Japanese prisoners of war during the 2008 skirmish between al-Jazeera and the Japanese nation.

Only when the USA threatened to stop her did Yousafzai concede defeat and retreated to an underground lair, in which she developed a batch of nuclear weapons so powerful they would literally sink the islands of Japan.

She was betrayed by her personal assistant, however, and transported to Europe where she stood trial for crimes against humanity and war crimes.

Her conviction yesterday led to widespread rioting in al-Jazeera controlled areas, such as Birmingham, and is expected to have severe repercussions on the international community.

“I’ll be back” snarled Yousafzai as she was led away to her cell, “Just you wait, you lousy, good-for-nothing Liberals!”

NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN: “I’M INCREASINGLY WORRIED ABOUT ADOLF HITLER”

“The world should be on its guard” warned the former prime minister yesterday.

“Although I have been known to dither over my judgement of people, I know when to draw the line. I’ve been re-evaluating the evidence and I can say with some confidence that Hitler is definitely up to something.

However, it could just be a Polish conspiracy.”