US GOVERNMENT REOPENS; “WHATEVER”, SAYS WORLD

The US Government Shutdown ended today, prompting an almost universal shoulder-shrug from the people of the world.


The shutdown, which lasted 16 days, ended today on the brink of economic disaster as Republicans and Democrats negotiated a rise of the so-called ‘debt-ceiling’. Without the rise, which was delayed by Republicans trying to bargain an end to ‘Obamacare’, the US would have defaulted on its debts and plunged the world into a feudalistic dark ages, similar to the predicted ‘Y2K’ apocalypse scenarios.

However, Congress negotiated an eleventh-hour deal that saw the government reopen and several thousand Federal employees return to work.

The news, broken by Barack Obama via a text to the rest of mankind, was greeted with an almost universal shrug. The prevailing global feeling seemed to be “w/e. Tired of your shit Barry. Maybe we should call it quits.”

Though Obama apologised and said “this won’t happen again, baby. I promise”, his explanations were mostly greeted with the phrase “talk to the hand” and a sassy walk-away.

Experts say this, more than anything, signals the end of the “honeymoon period” of Obama’s relationship with the rest of the world.

Just for clarification purposes, picture Obama as the scummy sleep-around football player, and the world as his long-suffering girlfriend.

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