GOVERNMENT INITATIVE TO REPATRIATE IMMIGRANTS DECLARED “UNSOUND”

THE HOME OFFICE HAS RECEIVED CRITICISM FOR ITS LATEST ATTEMPT TO REPATRIATE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS

Image

Unsound at best”

Immigration Watchdog ImCom has issued a statement calling the recent initiative to post immigrants back to their country of origin “unsound at best”, citing the price of stamps as “just one of the thousands of reasons this wouldn’t work”.

The statement went on to question the thinking behind the initiative, asking “really? Who came up with this nonsense?” and requesting the name of “whatever dope y’all be smoking”.

A spokesperson for ImCom spoke to the Newton Rubberneck regarding the controversial anti-immigration policy.

“We thought we’d seen the worst of it when they released those ‘Go Home or Get Arrested’ vans” said Tracey Kirke from ImCom “but this new idea beggars belief. Who on earth thought that packaging illegal immigrants in envelopes to be posted back to their country of origin would work? Not only is the price of stamps a problem, but with the current state of the Royal Mail some immigrants could be left in boxes for weeks, if not months, on end.”

“Fed-ExPats”

The initiative, nicknamed Fed-ExPats, called for illegal immigrants to report to their local Post Office, where they would be packaged in a Jiffy envelope and posted back to their home country.  The Home Office claimed that courier companies such as Fed-Ex, Move it or Lose it, Parcel2Go, and the National Front’s Home Delivery Service support the idea.

“It would provide much needed business for them” reads a statement released by Home Secretary, James Drake “as in this age of 3D printers, soon courier companies will be obsolete. The Fed-ExPats initiative will therefore not only deal with the problem of illegal immigration, but also provide a much needed ‘shot in the arm’ for the courier micro-economy.”

“Human Rights, shuman rights!”

Amnesty International has condemned the plan, calling it “vile, ridiculous, and frankly bordering on the insane”. The human rights group also judged the initiative to be “not just an affront to the human rights of the immigrants, but also an affront to the human rights of anyone who had to waste precious seconds of their life listening to Mr Drake’s nationalist drivel.”
James Drake has, however, defended the idea.

“Human rights, shuman rights!” mocked the Home Secretary, “Amnesty International needs to start thinking like a business and realise you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette. If those eggs happen to be illegal eggs, then it’s all the better for the country.”

Drake has also had to defend the issue in parliament, with the opposition calling the plan “half-baked idiocy.”

“You think of something better, then”, challenged Mr Drake.

Illegal immigrants were unavailable for comment.

THE NUMBERS

  • Too many – the number of illegal immigrants in the UK
  • Six or sometimes twelve – the number of stamps in a book
  • More than I should have had to the number of times I looked up how to spell “immigrants”
  • Not enough – what I get paid
  • Five – the number of bullet points in this list
Advertisements

One thought on “GOVERNMENT INITATIVE TO REPATRIATE IMMIGRANTS DECLARED “UNSOUND”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s