APOLOGIES AND CORRECTIONS: CALVIN COOLIDGE NOT ACTUALLY DEAD

History books rewritten as it transpires the 30th President of the USA not actually dead these past 84 years, but just pausing between sentences. 

The Oracle, which learnt of the so-called President’s so-called death only hours ago, regrets to inform its readership that not only was it 84 years late in reporting the news, it also reported the wrong news. Our American correspondent, Hubert T. Waterfritz, has been lynched as a result. His family has been informed.

In a turn of events that surprised everyone except Mr Coolidge, who could not be surprised by any event smaller than Judgement Day, history books the world over have been proved wrong in saying that Mr Coolidge died on March 4th, 1929.

In fact, the then-President was merely pausing for breath between two particularly taxing sentences.

Where this leaves the state of the Presidency of Barack Obama is unknown; technically, two Presidents can not govern at the same time, and in-keeping with the US Constitution: “first come, first served.” On this basis, Coolidge has been President the past 84 years without uttering a word.

“Like a shadowy puppeteer”, the White House correspondent informed The Oracle, “Calvin Coolidge has seen the events of history toss this great nation like a kayak upon the high seas of fate from above, twisting his marionettes with a jerk of his strings so they may dance to amuse his warped mind. The puppeteer, his arms tired, has now stepped forward into centre stage to resume his role as ringmaster, soaring high like a trapeze artist and — “. Here, the correspondent drowned in a wave of metaphor and never finished his sentence, though it is clear that had he lived he would have gone on talking for almost as long as Mr Coolidge has remained silent. His family has been informed.

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