Audiences were hooked tonight as the live final of the Great British Bake Off ended in judge Mary Berry, 78, running amok with a knife while “stoked up on marzipan and sugars”.

Seconds before the winner of the 4th series of the popular baking contest was announced, witnesses report “something changed” in Berry’s eyes as she ate the last slice of Battenburg baked for her as a gift by the contestants.

Within minutes of swallowing the confectionery, Berry had seized a knife from the table and plunged it into the chest of her co-host, Paul Hollywood. From there, the rampage only intensified as Berry used various kitchen implements to savagely mutilate or kill the contestants, presenters, and some members of the audience.

“In hindsight” said a statement issued by director Scott Tankard, “we should have pre-recorded the episode rather than showing it live. We all know that Mary Berry has been unstable in the past, but we thought her cheese grater-wielding days were behind us. Clearly – oh god, so clearly – we were wrong.”

In this reporter’s opinion, Mary Berry should be executed by being baked in a giant cake shaped like her head.


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