PRINCE GEORGE CHRISTENED; DRUNK ARCHBISHOP NAMES HIM ‘TIT-WANGER BUMHEAD III’

“Nothing we can do, the Archbishop’s word is final” say the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.

In a hysterical turn of events, the Archbishop of Canterbury turned up “as drunk as a nun” to St. James’ Palace, “staggering over his robes and sneaking sips of gin out of a hip flask” our royal correspondent tells us.

“He proceeded to wander aimlessly around the chapel, kissing each of the assembled guests on the cheek and at one point falling asleep on Prince Philip’s shoulder” the correspondent continued. “It was altogether very bizarre.”

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge exchanged glances while the Archbishop staggered up the aisle, with Kate Middleton reportedly clutching her baby closer to her chest. The baby, perhaps aware of the Archbishop’s presence on a subconscious level, threw up.

The Archbishop, arriving at the font, stared at the Duchess of Cambridge’s breasts for “a horrendously awkward ten seconds” before sweeping round to the assembled guests and mouthing the word “yowzah”. At this point it is said a wealthy dowager fainted with much ado.

The Archbishop beckoned for the baby and, splashing it with water and gin, performed the naming ceremony at such speed that no-one had time to stop him while he named the baby, officially, Prince Tit-Wanger Bumhead III. He then pissed against a column and fell asleep in the font.

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