THOUSANDS OF MOVIEGOERS LEFT EMOTIONALLY SCARRED AFTER CONFUSING ‘CAPTAIN PHILLIPS’ WITH ‘PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN’

Preteens nationwide scared shitless

The arrival of Tom Hanks’ new film, based on the true events of 2009 when the Maersk Alabama was attacked by Somalian pirates, unfortunately coincided with the news that Pirates of the Caribbean 5 is soon to be in cinemas.

Preteens, children, and teenagers all flocked to the opening night of ‘Captain Phillips’ to see what they thought would be a laugh-a-minute swashbuckling adventure featuring Johnny Depp as a rambunctious pirate.

However, they were soon treated to a harrowing tale about modern-day piracy and the terror-stricken life of young Somalians who, their fishing lifestyle destroyed by multi-national companies, have turned to piracy as a last resort.

‘Captain Phillips’ features strong violence and language, and deals with humanitarian issues far above the comprehension of the misplaced audience.

The Oracle tried to speak to one 12-year old boy who attended, but he was still a gibbering wreck.

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