UK GOVERNMENT DECIDES TO PACKAGE CIGARETTES IN ACTUAL “CANCER-RIDDEN ORGANS”

Following the announcement yesterday that the government was launching a review into the packaging of cigarettes, a report has been published concluding that cigarettes will now be packaged in actual “cancer-ridden organs” fresh from the bodies of victims of smoking-related diseases.

 

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Deciding to go one step further than the Australians, who pack their cigarettes in standardized packages with graphic images of the physical effects of smoking, David Cameron has given the go-ahead to plans to pack cigarettes in the tar-damaged hearts and lungs of dead smokers.

“After deliberating long and hard on the issue” said the leader of the review into cigarette packaging, Sir Cyril Chantler this morning, “we have decided that Public Health is indeed our main concern in this issue. Therefore, we have concluded that the best way to scare people off buying cigarettes is to pack them into actual smoke-destroyed vital organs.”

The measure has been widely commended across the political spectrum for its “practicality, ingenuity, and creativity”, with Nick Clegg saying that he was “proud to see such a measure take hold”.

The announcement was however met with opposition from tobacco companies, who resent the fact that they will no longer be able to advertise their brand on packages.

“It’s horrendous, really,” said Dylan Maguire, CEO of Marlboro Cigarettes, “that we will not be able to advertise our own particular brand of slow, painful death on cartons any more. I am currently heading a lobby party to try and force the government to allow us to advertise -if not on the packets – then at least on the cancer-torn organs themselves.”

It is expected that the cigarettes will be published in different organs relative to the size of the former packets: for example, a large pack of cigarettes will now be contained in a pair of tar-rotten lungs, while the smaller packets will be held in rotting tracheae, or windpipes.

BREAKING NEWS: MONKEYS OF GIBRALTAR DECLARE WAR ON SPAIN, GREAT BRITAIN

The monkeys of Gibraltar have issued a declaration of war against Spain and the United Kingdom, as a reaction to “all the fuss about a silly old bag”.

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The monkeys, locally known as Los Monos, have for years been underground political lobbyists, though to date their lobbying has been for nothing more drastic than a decrease in banana tax. This declaration of war has come as a shock to the human citizens of Gibraltar, not to mention the Spanish and British governments.

Los Monos are popular and locally famous, with many shops and cafes paying a secret tribute to the monkeys in order that they may continue to exist. There is a Gibraltar saying: “When you cannot trust the British, and you cannot trust the Spanish, you can always trust the monkeys”. Many citizens of Gibraltar believe that it is the monkeys who will save them if ever there was a dispute over the islands.

A spokesmonkey for Los Monos said that the declaration of war was not a warning or a caution, but “a full-scale declaration of war on the belligerent countries of the United Kingdom and Spain, and on whomsoever would ally themselves with the aforementioned countries”. So far, no countries have condemned the move: indeed, both the UN and the EU have said they “look forward to seeing what happens next”.

No statements have been released from either the Spanish or British governments, though sources say both are in deep consultation with each other over what to do next.

It is expected all sides will break the laws of the Geneva convention.

NIGELLA LAWSON CONFESSESS: “I’VE DONE DRUGS SINCE I WAS ELEVEN”

Disgraced chef, Nigella Lawson, who was yesterday accused of being “off her head” on drugs by her ex-husband Charles Saatchi, has confessed that she was indeed on drugs, and had been “since I was eleven.”

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The chef, in court to give evidence in the trial of her two personal assistants, broke down mid-sentence before weeping “it’s true, it’s all true.”

She then went on to confess that not only had she been doing drugs since she was eleven, but that she had also been putting the drugs in each and every dish she made for celebrities on her various cooking shows.

She claims responsibility for the addiction of more than a dozen A-List celebrities.

Lawson also confessed that the ingredients in all her recipes, if prepared correctly, will amalgamate into a very potent faux-cocaine. This faux-cocaine has the same addictive properties as normal cocaine, and Lawson confessed she hoped it would encourage people to buy her recipes more.

If this is true, warned Judge Robin Johnson, Nigella could be found to be the “largest drug dealer we have ever seen”, and will face at least three life sentences in prison.

More on this story as it develops

ALEX SALMOND REVEALS BLUEPRINTS FOR INDEPENDENT SCOTLAND THEME PARK

Plans include a high-speed roller-coaster, a dozen or so teacup rides, and a higher minimum wage.

The White Paper, or so-called ‘independence blueprints’, were revealed today at a meeting in Glasgow, shortly before all 73 MSPs were mugged. Alex Salmond, Scotland’s First Minister and leader of the Scottish National Party, had stuck a big label on the front of the plans with the words “My Best Ideas” scrawled on in thick crayon.

The “Best Ideas” dealt with a scenario in which voters had voted “yes” on the independence referendum next September, causing Scotland to become a country independent from the United Kingdom. In Salmond’s plans, the country was then turned into an “independence-themed” theme park, with high-speed rides and “more candy floss than you can shake a stick at”.

Salmond, a self-confessed lover of roller-coasters, said that the plans promised “an exciting new path” in Scotland’s future, and that children would be able to enter a competition to design independent Scotland’s first Hall of Mirrors.

It is expected that the children will come up with ideas more sophisticated and realistic than anything Mr Salmond has produced to this date.

MOFFAT: “I THREW IT TOGETHER WHILE ZONED OUT ON HASH AND METH”

“That’s mainly how I write, you know? Drop a few, kick back, and blaze it.” – Steven Moffat.

Steven Moffat, head writer of Doctor Who, has revealed his rigorous writing method after tonight’s 50th anniversary special.

The special, entitled ‘The Day of the Doctor’, was reportedly “the most whack time” of Moffat’s life – even more so than “the shitty days of Sherlock Season 2, when I was knocking back more pills than a brain-damaged test monkey.”

‘The Day of the Doctor’ featured three incarnations of the time lord, including John Hurt as ‘the war doctor’. Moffat says “Me and Hurt are old buddies, really. He introduced me to the magical world of crystal meth.”

“I highly expect the first writers of Doctor Who were high as well” concluded Moffat, “I mean, an old man that zooms around anywhere in space and time with his granddaughter in some sort of blue box? What the hell were they smokin’, boyos?”

DOCTOR WHO 50TH ANNIVERSARY PAYS TRIBUTE TO JOSEPH GOEBBELS IN ‘POISONED DWARF’ SKIT

“We thought it was a risky move” laughed Moffat, “but hey! It paid off.”

Fans worldwide were treated to a Nazified Doctor Who this evening in the 50th Anniversary, as David Tennant and Matt Smith delighted the globe with a sketch dedicated to Joseph Goebbels, the head of Nazi propaganda.

Goebbels, ‘Reich Minister of Propaganda’, was reportedly a fan of the Argentinian version of Doctor Who, Medico Que? during his time in exile from Germany following World War Two. Steven Moffat, head writer of the 50th Anniversary, said he’d “known this all along”.

“I’d planned from the start to include a homage to Joseph Goebbels in the anniversary somewhere, I just didn’t know how I was going to fit it in.Luckily, David and Matt came up to me with this little dance they’d prepared.”

“We called it ‘The Poisoned Dwarf’” said Matt Smith, Doctor incumbent, “And it was basically a jig. A very, very politically incorrect jig.”

“Please don’t sue us” concluded Tennant.

It is expected that the BBC will include more Nazi party references in its future shows, ahead of the opening of the BBC Commemorative Joseph Goebbels Building next September.

ALL OTHER WORLD EVENTS AGREE TO “HOLD BACK” WHILE DOCTOR WHO TURNS 50

Natural disasters, military coups, assassinations and economic downturns all agree to “take five” while the world focuses on Doctor Who’s 50th Anniversary.

As Doctor Who turns 50, news channels around the world – especially the BBC – are “pretty full up”, say experts. “It would be foolish, if not downright dangerous, to try and cram any other events in, so the world has very kindly agreed to postpone doing anything until tomorrow morning.”

It was Doctor Rajesh Kular of the League of Newscasters who first alerted The Oracle to the potential danger of what he calls “newscram”:

“It’s very important to realise that the news can only deal with so much at once. Usually we try and limit it to three natural disasters a week, or five political upheavals. On a good day, we can allow anything up to five economic downturns, but that pretty much fills up the news for the rest of the day.

With the frankly absurd news coverage the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who is getting, we thought it best to stop all other world events until the celebrations are over. That way everyone can focus on ignoring the troubles in the world and just enjoy a science fiction drama.”

The news is joined by a Royal Decree saying that all phone networks in the UK are to be put on hiatus while the show is on, so that no-one is disturbed while watching. It is said that this shall have the effect of preventing “hundreds” of violent revenge crimes.