BREAKING NEWS: GRAHAM NORTON ADMITS TO KILLING HAKIMULLAH MEHSUD

The popular comedian and chat show host confesses to authorising the drone strike that killed the leader of the Pakistan Taliban on Friday.

50-year-old Norton, whose birth name is Graham William Walker, confessed to the murder this morning on his Radio 2 Morning Show.

He broke the news after playing The Saturdays’ ‘Just Can’t Get Enough’ at approximately 11.30am. Painter/decorator Ted Dribb recalls hearing Norton confess while at work:

“I was listening to the show while whitewashing a windowpane, and was startled when my vivacious hip-wiggling to the Saturdays was interrupted by the sound of Graham [Norton] cursing in Arabic over the airwaves. He barked at someone, I assume his producer, and you heard two gunshots. Then there was a lot of white noise. I went away and made a cuppa, and when I came back Graham was in the middle of confessing to killing some Pakistani bloke. I thought it was another one of his jokes, and so I chuckled and went back to my whitewashing.”

Norton confessed that he killed Mehsud in a “cold-hearted, calculated culmination of a decade-long plan”. He said that he was “glad the sonuvabitch was finally with the worms” and that “it was jolly decent of the US Army to take the fall for me. Mind you, they did owe me big time after that Osama incident.”

Norton is currently being interrogated by the CIA somewhere in Birmingham. It is expected that he shall ‘disappear’.

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