“It all seemed very suspicious” says eye-witness Jeff Bruck, “I was out walking the dog and I passed by an alleyway where there were these two men leaning in close to each other. I wouldn’t have noticed, but it struck me that one of the men’s coat was twelve times the size of him. As I watched, he started to pull out wads of notes and handing them to the man he was with, who started piling them into nondescript suitcases. I watched for half an hour before the dog tugged my arm off, and in that time the suitcase man had filled fourteen cases and showed no signs of stopping.”
The ‘suitcase man’ has been identified as Professor Paul Webley, Director of The School of African and Oriental Studies (SOAS) in the University of London. The identity of the man in the trench-coat is as yet unknown, though sources point to it being Franco D’Amico, Mafia boss and drug lord operating in the Kent area.
Taxi driver Edward Low also reports being aware of suspicious goings-on:
“I was approached at about 1am on Thursday night by a man lugging three suitcases. He asked for a ride to the Director’s office at SOAS. This didn’t strike me as suspicious to start with, because the SOAS Director’s office is a popular haunt for prostitutes and I’ve given many a late-night lift to there. What was suspicious was that after he’d chucked the three suitcases in the back of the cab, he brought out three more from a dark alleyway. This continued until the back of the cab was filled with two dozen or so suitcases, at which point I told him we couldn’t take anymore. Then, he told me to call up some other cabbies to come and take the rest. By the time we’d finished loading up all the cases, it was 6am and we had a line of taxis a mile long: people thought it was some sort of parade.”
Professor Paul Webley was unavailable for comment. The Oracle did manage to track him down to his office in SOAS, though when his secretary opened the door a flood of £50 notes surged through into the corridor. Rescue teams are busy trying to extricate the Professor at the time of press.