ON THIS DAY: SOVIET SCIENTISTS SEND LAIKA, THE DOG, INTO SPACE

“Woof woof communism woof woof cosmonauts woof woof Stalin”

On the 3rd November 1957, in what was to have unprecedented consequences for the human race, Soviet space scientists sent a dog named Laika into orbit aboard the spacecraft Sputnik 2.

Laika was provided with food and water, and enough oxygen to keep her going for 6 days. It was initially claimed that Laika died from lack of oxygen on the 6th day, though in 2002 it was claimed that she died after only a few hours aboard the craft.

However, in recent years it has come to light that Laika did not die at all; she instead left the spacecraft on the 5th day of orbit and, with the help of friendly space-dogs, formed a colony high above the earth’s atmosphere.

There, Laika was declared a god among dogs and presided over 50 years of glittering progress, capturing astronauts and cosmonauts to learn how the human race was progressing. Upon her deathbed in 2008, Laika issued a proclamation to all space-dogs: destroy the Earth.

Negotiations have been ongoing since the first wave of KanineKrafts arrived on Earth, bearing ransom demands and assassin dogs, trained to shoot any hostile units on sight. While the UN claims that diplomacy is in effect, it is this newspaper’s opinion that the space-dogs have the upper hand and are only weeks away from destroying our beloved home.

Godspeed, readers. Godspeed.

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