The news broke today at the Old Bailey that, in a desperate attempt to prevent inspectors from reading notebooks that explicitly detailed each and every misdemeanour at the News of the World, Rebekah Brooks single-handedly ate 72 spiral-bound notebooks.

The books, purchased at WH Smith for £1.99 each, consisted of 100 A5 pages of 75GSM. Bound together by a spiraling piece of plastic and bound between two sheets of blue translucent plastic, the books contained over seven years’ worth of notes regarding every single wrong thing ever done at the News of the World.

Transcripts of Milly Dowler’s phone conversations, transcripts of George Best’s son’s conversations, transcripts of the Royal Family’s toilet habits: these were all included in the notebooks dotted haphazardly around the News of the World offices.

“It was quite a sight” said former News of the World employee, Gerald Krapp, “Mrs. Brooks ran around the office screaming at the top of her lungs ‘FEED ME BOOKS’. Her hair streamed behind her like a flaming banner, her little legs pumping like pistons as she sped around the office grabbing notebooks and stuffing them in her cheeks.”

“It was like watching Supermarket Sweep” concluded Mr. Krapp.

Rebekah Brooks was admitted to Hammersmith Hospital after eating 72 of the notebooks, with complaints of stomach ache and severe indigestion. The doctors managed to extract 72 spirals of plastic, though they had joined together and had to be pulled out in one long strip.

It was said that Mrs Brooks suffered severe humiliation. No-one in the Old Bailey seemed particularly bothered about that.


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