The drug apparently features in 87% of things, including paper, pigeons, spectacles, and clouds.
“This is indeed worrying” said Barack Obama “as it shows that far from being successful, the war on drugs is failing ridiculously – almost comically in fact. Now let’s all stop worrying and snort a pigeon.”
While many of the items in the report are less than half cocaine, the report also listed several household objects, including fridges and tables, that are “at least 70% cocaine”.
The news is also a blow for Mexican drug cartels, who can no longer charge extortionate prices for the drug when every Tom, Dick and Harry can simply snort their kitchen table.
The report concluded “You’d be surprised how much of your stuff is actually cocaine. To put it in perspective, imagine 87% of the world is cocaine. Now stop imagining and realise that that is actually the case.”
Dreams, cats, electricity and the colour blue were also found to be high in cocaine.
“If you can imagine it, it’s probably made of cocaine” runs the report’s sub-heading.