MALALA YOUSAFZAI: “I WAS JACK THE RIPPER”

In a shock confession yesterday, Malala Yousafzai has confessed to being the Victorian murderer who stalked and killed prostitutes in London during the year of 1888.

Yousafzai, who is already on trial for war crimes due to her persecution of the Japanese race, confessed to the Hague that she was the villainous Ripper and “had no regrets”.

“It was a down time in my life” said Yousafzai, “I had just kicked the coke habit and was needing something to perk up my days. One evening I was walking through London town, whistling nonchalantly and thinking about starting up an international terrorist organisation, when I came across a prostitute in a doorway. Overcome with desire, I went to her and – well, you know the rest.”

The Hague initially doubted Yousafzai’s confession, citing her age and nationality as just two reasons that she could not possibly have been the British serial killer operating over 100 years ago. Yousafzai reportedly laughed at their doubts, cackling “you mortals know nothing of my power” before being wheeled away to a secure cell.

Malala Yousafzai’s trial continues.

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