Or at least that’s what it felt like anyway.
In what was the last ever episode of Poirot to feature David Suchet, Agatha Christie’s ‘Curtain: Poirot’s Last Case’, the lead actor stabbed the nation’s heart repeatedly, twisting the knife a little each time.

The actor of the Belgian detective was the key to a plot twist that shocked audiences nationwide when he was revealed to be the murderer: the murderer of my tear glands, as they are now dead from so much crying.

Director Hettie Macdonald says she is “pleased” with the way things turned out, the heartless wench.

“We really wanted the plot twist to be a shocker, so when David Suchet managed to rip out the nation’s ability to ever love again we were ever so pleased.”

“I’m so proud of David. He’s really managed to achieve a god-like status in the hearts of Britan through his time as Hercule Poirot, before in this last episode descending to Satan incarnate in one final, brutal act that will send viewers hurtling to psychiatrist’s couches.”

Jean Atkins, 91, remembers reading ‘Curtain’ when it was first published:

“I remember being horrorstruck when I reached the conclusion of the book, and have never quite got over the pain it caused deep within my heart. I only started watching David Suchet as Poirot because he promised never to hurt me like Agatha Christie did.”

“I will never, ever trust again.” concluded Jean, wiping tears from her eyes.

David Suchet spoke to The Oracle:

“I’m just glad I was given this wonderful opportunity to really be a part of the biggest plot twist ever. When I sprung the final clue and made the nation weep til their eyes bled, I really felt like I had reached a high point in my career.”

“Thankyou, mes amis” finished the veteran actor, before our reporter burst into tears and tugged at his trouser cuffs.


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