“Just a walking, talking libido” concludes report published today.

Amid international commemoration of President Kennedy’s death on the 50th anniversary of his assassination, a report has been published that reveals the President, far from being struck down by Lee Harvey Oswald’s bullet, was actually “never really alive at all”.

In fact, says the report written by American political historians, Kennedy was a “hunk of flesh powered by a sex drive so intense it could power a space shuttle”. His face retained his boyish good looks simply because it was moulded out of putty, the report went on to say, and his distinctive drawl was developed by a team of advisers who would later become known as Ex-Comm.

“I always knew something was up with that boy” revealed White House official Derek Harvey, “but I could never put my finger on it. Now that I know he was a dead man walking, everything makes just a little bit more sense.”

Scientists hope to use the information revealed in the report to develop life-extending products. They plan to clone Kennedy’s libido and use it to reanimate corpses, or prolong the life of those close to death.


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