UK GOVERNMENT DECIDES TO PACKAGE CIGARETTES IN ACTUAL “CANCER-RIDDEN ORGANS”

Following the announcement yesterday that the government was launching a review into the packaging of cigarettes, a report has been published concluding that cigarettes will now be packaged in actual “cancer-ridden organs” fresh from the bodies of victims of smoking-related diseases.

 

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Deciding to go one step further than the Australians, who pack their cigarettes in standardized packages with graphic images of the physical effects of smoking, David Cameron has given the go-ahead to plans to pack cigarettes in the tar-damaged hearts and lungs of dead smokers.

“After deliberating long and hard on the issue” said the leader of the review into cigarette packaging, Sir Cyril Chantler this morning, “we have decided that Public Health is indeed our main concern in this issue. Therefore, we have concluded that the best way to scare people off buying cigarettes is to pack them into actual smoke-destroyed vital organs.”

The measure has been widely commended across the political spectrum for its “practicality, ingenuity, and creativity”, with Nick Clegg saying that he was “proud to see such a measure take hold”.

The announcement was however met with opposition from tobacco companies, who resent the fact that they will no longer be able to advertise their brand on packages.

“It’s horrendous, really,” said Dylan Maguire, CEO of Marlboro Cigarettes, “that we will not be able to advertise our own particular brand of slow, painful death on cartons any more. I am currently heading a lobby party to try and force the government to allow us to advertise -if not on the packets – then at least on the cancer-torn organs themselves.”

It is expected that the cigarettes will be published in different organs relative to the size of the former packets: for example, a large pack of cigarettes will now be contained in a pair of tar-rotten lungs, while the smaller packets will be held in rotting tracheae, or windpipes.

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