BREAKING NEWS: CHRISTMAS STORMS SAID TO BE WORK OF GREEN, LONG-FINGERED ‘GRINCH-LIKE’ VILLAIN

The storms that have ravaged the British Isles these past few days have been blamed on a green, hairy, long-fingered villain who possesses a “Grinch-like” attitude to Christmas, a spokesperson for the Meteorological Office has said.

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The storms, which have left 130,000 homes without power and ruined hundreds of Christmas travel plans, began last week and show little sign of clearing before the New Year.

It has now been revealed that the Meteorological Office can pinpoint the germination of the bad weather, and has found that it initially appeared on the top of a mountain above Whoville, Seussland, in the Arctic Circle.

Further study shows that not only did the weather originate at the top of the mountain, but it actually came from a super-villain-esque Bad Weather Machine.

A quick check of Whoville shop records reveals that the only Bad Weather Machine sold this year was to a Mr Grinch, who has a track record of interfering with Christmases. On this evidence, Interpol say that they are “sure beyond reasonable doubt” that this bad weather is the work of the Grinch.

It is expected that the bad weather will continue until Taylor Momsen can be tracked down and persuaded to star in a remake of How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

Jim Carrey refused to comment.

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THE ORACLE’S BEST ARTICLES: ALL SURVIVING MEMBERS OF MONTY PYTHON TO REFORM IN DEADLY ‘AXIS OF EVIL’ TERRORIST GROUP

As part of the countdown to 2014, The Oracle has decided to look back at some of our favourite articles over the past year. Granted, we’ve only been going since September, but we’ve got 200 articles to choose from.

Today’s article reveals the horrible truth behind Monty Python’s recent announcement of their reunion. Trigger Warning: contains silly walks.

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Former comedians to band together in new supreme terrorist organisation.

News broke this morning that the surviving members of the comedy group Monty Python – John Cleese, Eric Idle, Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones, and Michael Palin – are to pool their wealth and powers to form an international ‘axis of evil’: a terrorist group with the resources to declare war on any establishment and be sure of their success.

Jones released a statement on Twitter this morning explaining:

“The Brotherhood has been disbanded for too long. When next we meet, fire shall rain on the empires of the West. Hold fast, democracy, for your time has ended.”

This was later followed by an email to the Heads of State of 25 countries issuing demands, “lest the Flying Circus come to town”. The email also included an animated sketch – later identified as a Gilliam sketch – of a group of clowns with skull masks dancing around a burning effigy of David Cameron, Barack Obama, and Angela Merkel.

Michael Palin has revealed that his time spent abroad filming his travel documentaries was also time spent “conversing with the downtrodden peoples of the Earth, to incite them to rebel against the imperial powers”.

“You watched my documentaries on television” he announced to a crowd at Trafalgar Square, “little did you know you were watching your own swift and terrible death!” He was then lifted away by a giant boot.

The G7 have called an immediate emergency summit to discuss the news, with reports stating that Obama is calling for “swift and decisive action” to “crush these hippie upstarts before they get a public following”.

In a poll taken earlier today, it was revealed that 96% of Britons would much rather be ruled by Monty Python than by the current government.

John Cleese has dismissed reports that should they take control of the British Government he would establish a “Ministry of Silly Walks”.

“Of course I wouldn’t create such a ministry” he said in a video statement, “the only ministries I shall create are the Ministry of Pain, the Ministry of Propaganda, and the Ministry of Lumberjack Songs.”

The international police organisation, InterPol, are looking into the mysterious death of a parrot that occurred earlier this year “in hope that it may contain vital clues.”

BREAKING NEWS: POPE FRANCIS REVEALS HE IS A GAY, BLACK WOMAN

Just weeks after being declared Time Magazine’s ‘Person of the Year’, Pope Francis has revealed that he is actually gay, black, and a woman.

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Pope Francis, described by many as the most radical Pope in decades, has challenged stigmas and traditionalist views throughout his time in the papacy. This latest move follows his shock announcement two weeks ago that he is to star in a Durex advert, and is no less astounding.

It transpires that the Pope has been hiding his true sexuality, gender, and race for fear of being attacked by the stalwarts in the Catholic Church. However, says the Pope, he now feels he has “opened enough windows for the truth to be able to shine through”, and therefore can come out as his true self.

“I first realised I was gay when I was a bouncer at a gay nightclub back in Argentina,” said the Pope earlier today, “I was always approached by gay guys wanting a good time, and after a few weeks I acquiesced. It was the most fun I’ve ever had.

As for being black, this is something I’ve tried very hard to deny all my life. But at the end of the day, you’ve just got to take off the face-mask and shout it from the rooftops: I’m black and proud!

Hiding my gender was perhaps the hardest thing to do, though I was helped by a group of singing nuns who lived in the foothills of the Alps. Thank you, Sisters and Mothers: without you, I would not be able to stand here today as the first gay, black, female Pope the world has ever seen.”

The College of Cardinals is expected to meet later today to discuss these revelations, though Pope Francis is unconcerned.

“What can they do?” he said with a chuckle, “I’m the Pope!”

Many are now claiming that they always knew of His Holiness’ true identity:

“I was always suspicious of those dress-like robes he wore” said Armando Defunicci, citizen of Rome, “and a friend of mine said he once saw Pope Francis buying ladies’ razors. It was only a matter of time before the truth came out.”

The Oracle congratulates Pope Francis on his various coming-outs, and wishes him a happy and productive New Year.

MARY AND JOSEPH “ACTUALLY WORE TEA TOWELS”, HISTORIANS FIND

Historians have revealed that the popular primary school nativity depiction of Mary and Joseph with tea towels draped over their heads may actually be historically accurate.

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Professors at Newcastle University have unearthed evidence that tea towels were not only worn as headdresses, but were very much in vogue at the time of the birth of Christ.

“Tea towels were popular in Israel at the turn of BC/AD,” says historian Donald Douglas, “and were often seen on the heads of travelers and wayfarers. It is highly probable that Mary and Joseph wore tea towels when they arrived in Bethlehem.”

This latest discovery joins a wave of archaeological surprises concerning the nativity, including new claims that the birth of Christ may well have taken place in a school hall in England, angels almost certainly wore tights, and the Baby Jesus may well have taken the form of a plastic baby made by Baby Born.

MOST PEOPLE WOULD “RATHER DIE THAN SEE SOMEONE’S WEDDING PHOTOS”, A REPORT HAS REVEALED

The Warren Report, commissioned earlier this month to find out whether people’s attitudes towards marriage had changed over the recession, has closed today after concluding its research in “record-breaking time”.

 

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It transpires that people were flocking literally in their thousands to complain to Angela Smirston (head of the Warren Report) that looking at wedding photos “was less attractive than death”, and that in many cases they had feigned heart attacks to get out of it.

Ms Smirston said that “The rate at which people responded to our survey on changing attitudes to marriage is astonishing. Not only did our scheduled participants respond in record-breaking time, but people were actively phoning us up to complain.

They really wanted to get the news out: ‘looking at people being happy is boring’”.

Ms Smirston believes that this negative attitude to looking at people’s wedding photos – epitomised by one interviewee’s tale of leaping out of a tower block window – can be seen as a part of a general feeling about weddings as a whole.

“A lot of people can’t stand the thought of other people being happy. It’s in our human nature to wish ill upon others, and be annoyed when good things happen. Now weddings are very public examples of a.) two people being happy (at least temporarily), and b.) two people continuing their genetic line into another generation. This speaks to the human race on a very primal level, and in many people can elicit responses of jealousy, rage, and aggressive thoughts of revenge.

Now, to be forced to sit and look at photographs of such an event – it’s no wonder that people feel urged to run away or feign illness. It’s just a natural human reaction.

Plus, looking at other people’s wedding photos is the most boring thing ever and I too would personally rather be ripped limb from limb than see another ‘beaming bride’”.

Of the many stories people told about how they tried to get out of seeing people’s wedding photos, one in particular offers a prime example of how far people will go to avoid looking at documented human happiness: Mr Johnson, his wife, and her mother were trapped looking at their neighbours’ wedding photos. Seeing such bridal radiance and genuine happiness struck a sour chord with the Johnsons, who had been married 20 years, and so in an effort to get out of the situation Mrs Johnson went to the kitchen, grabbed a jar of peanuts, and forced them down her mother’s throat. Her mother, being severely allergic to peanuts, had to be rushed to the hospital where she later died. Mrs Johnson, however, assured the Warren Report that “it was worth it”.

The Warren Report will be consulted by a Parliamentary Group set up to discuss the future of marriage. It is expected that the Group will lobby for a law to ban all photographs of weddings, and possibly all photographs of people having fun, being happy, or looking “rosy-cheeked” in the slightest.

THE ORACLE’S BEST ARTICLES: DEATH PENALTY REINTRODUCED FOR PEOPLE WHO LEAVE TEABAGS IN THE SINK

As part of the countdown to 2014, The Oracle has decided to look back at some of our favourite articles over the past year. Granted, we’ve only been going since September, but we’ve got 200 articles to choose from.

Today’s article was written at the time of the Conservative Party Conference earlier this year, and dealt with the growing social evil of teabags being left in the sink

 

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In his closing speech at the Conservative party conference, David Cameron announced plans to reintroduce the death penalty for people who leave teabags in the sink after making a cup of tea.

The news was met with rapturous applause from the assembled Conservative party members, many of whom have been campaigning for such a law for years.

“This is not just a victory for tea drinkers” professed Miss Judith Argyll, Tory member, “but a victory for all who oppose slobbishness and wayward habits in the kitchen.”

When the news broke, politicians from across the political spectrum flocked to Twitter to express their almost unanimous agreement with the proposal.

“About bloody time” tweeted John Prescott

“This is an issue that we can all get behind” wrote Ed Milliband

“I thorual ybeluv ne this r9bje” penned David Blunkett.

The death penalty was repealed in 1965, but now seems “dead” set on making a comeback.

MILTON KEYNES ‘WINTER WONDERLAND’ ACTUALLY MASS ALBANIAN GRAVE

Festive families who attended a “Winter Wonderland” in Milton Keynes this weekend were left “disappointed” when it turned out that the ‘wonderland’ was actually the site of a mass grave for victims of the 1998 Kosovo War.

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Organiser Lorenzo Franco says that the attraction in Campbell Park, Milton Keynes, suffered from “poor planning and bad luck” and “would not be reopening this year, either as a Winter Wonderland or as a mass grave”.

Mr Franco apologised to families who had visited his event under the impression that they would be greeted with smiling Santa Clauses, friendly reindeer, and happy huskies.

Instead, families encountered UN officials uncovering 14-year-old human remains and unexploded shells. This, assured Mr Franco yesterday, was not part of the attraction.

The 1998-1999 war in Kosovo was a bloody chapter in the tumultuous tale of the breakup of the former Yugoslavia, and claimed thousands of lives. Even today, families are still searching for loved ones who disappeared from both Serbian and Albanian sides – the discovery of mass graves like the one uncovered in Milton Keynes bring both tragedy and, in some ways, relief.

“It pleases me to know that now I can give my son a proper burial, and I can visit him every day” said an Albanian woman who wishes to remain nameless.

Mr Franco has said that he will be refunding any parents who wished to be given their money back, though he attests that “the lesson that the children will have learnt – that all life is fleeting and transient – is surely worth more than any amount of cash”.