STUDY SHOWS “NOBODY LIKES ANYBODY ANYMORE”

In a 10-year study into human behaviour carried out by academics at University College London, it was concluded today that “nobody likes anybody anymore”: in short, we have become a species of haters.

The head of the report, Professor Daniel Bennett, spoke to The Oracle earlier:

“We had this idea in 2003, to make a report on whether the human race was getting more or less tolerant of itself – whether people liked each other more or less over a ten year-period. So we had this group of 100 people and kept tabs on them to see how they reacted to companions, acquaintances, partners, family…”

The report, named the Bennett Trial, was initially supposed to focus only on the 100 volunteers and their closest friends and relatives. However, as the months went by, it became clear that it warranted further research.

“Very, very quickly” continued Prof. Bennett, “it became clear that we’d opened a can of worms. Our 100 volunteers were behaving incredibly nastily to everyone they met, not just to those we were initially studying. People in the street, coworkers, distant relatives: they were all getting a similar treatment.”

The treatment, Bennett concluded, was not good. As the study continued, it became clearer and clearer that people – far from being imbibed with a sense of ‘common decency’ – were innately antagonistic and, in general, horrible to everyone else. In the words of Bennett, it was abundantly clear that “nobody likes anybody anymore”.

“It came as a shock to us, at first. But then we realised that actually, we didn’t like anybody either – in fact, we couldn’t remember the last time we had a pleasant conversation with someone without secretly wishing they would die. We had no other choice but to conclude: “nobody likes anybody anymore.”

It is expected that the UN will deliver a resolution based on this report sometime this week, with many saying such a resolution will attempt to limit inter-human contact as much as possible, so people don’t have to put up with other people as much.

All of us here at The Oracle welcome such a resolution, and hope that it comes into effect in time to stop us seeing our families for Christmas.

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