ON THIS DAY: ATTACK ON PEARL HARBOUR

On the 7th December 1941, Japanese aircraft attacked the US Military Base in Pearl Harbour, Hawaii. This nefarious act is believed by many to be one of the worst war crimes committed during WWII, solely for the reason that 60 years later it would give rise to Michael Bay’s film “Pearl Harbour”.

 

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The attack on Pearl Harbour was one of trickiest military maneuvers ever accomplished, as it entailed crossing the international date line and therefore beginning one day after it ended. Such was the confusion about the apparent time travel, many Japanese pilots had an existential crisis and concluded that life wasn’t worth living if the laws of nature could be bended so easily. Hence, many of the pilots deliberately drove their planes into the ground in suicide attempts – the Japanese government would later use this as propaganda, saying it showed how passionate these ‘kamikazes’ were about winning the war. But we know the truth, don’t we, Oracle readers?

The immediate consequences of the attack were that many of the soldiers stationed at Pearl Harbour were rudely interrupted mid-coitus with beautiful Hawaiian girls. It is believed that this interruption led directly to the dropping of the nuclear bombs on Japan at the end of 1945, as many generals thought that such a punishment was warranted for such a despicable cock-block.

Longer-term consequences included the arrival of the USA into World War Two, which would in turn lead to a 200% increase in American bragging for the next 70 years. However, as bad as this was for international diplomacy, it has given birth to some of the greatest war films ever made – ‘The Longest Day’, and ‘Happy Gilmore’ spring to mind.

In conclusion, the attack on Pearl Harbour was overwhelmingly a bad thing, as it gave Michael Bay the chance to have a career. And no-one can forgive the Japanese for that.

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