STUDY SHOWS 95% OF PEOPLE ARE PRICKS

In a study undertaken by MIT into human behaviour, it was revealed that 95% of the human race are “pricks” and are “unbearable to be around for extended periods of time”.

The study, carried out over a three-year period, showed spikes in “prickishness” around Christmas, participants’ birthdays, and any event involving alcohol – though it is to be noted that alcohol, while increasing prickishness in real terms, actually had the effect of diminishing the detection of such knobbery for those who drank it.

Experts say that percentage of people who can be classed as “a right prick” has grown exponentially in recent years. In 1939, for instance, only 3% of people were pricks: that percentage included, among others, Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini, and your grandmother.

Some blame the advent of prickishness – nicknamed the Acockalypse – on the permeation of American culture across the globe. However, it is to be remembered that some of the greatest pricks are British in origin: Nick Griffin and David Cameron are just two examples.

Professors at MIT say that the results were “expected, but nevertheless disheartening” and warn individuals who suspect that they may be a prick to “sit down and shut up”.

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