TREASURY MINISTER DISMISSES 11% PAY RISE AS INAPPROPRIATE, CALLS FOR “GOLD AND SLAVES INSTEAD”

The Treasury Minister Danny Alexander has condemned plans to give MPs a pay rise of 11%, saying that it is “too little, too late” and demanding that MPs are given “our weight in gold, and some slaves would be nice too.”

 

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The pay rise of 11% was suggested by the parliamentary watchdog IPSA, who says that a one-off increase in payment is “justified”. However, many MPs are disgruntled with the suggestion, claiming that “£74,000 is just not enough to live on. We need a living wage, not a minimum wage”.

The Treasury Minister’s call for “gold and slaves” is not a lone voice; many politicians resent the fact that they are denied slaves, and have lobbied for a reform on the Abolition for years. Michael Gove, Education Secretary, is one such lobbyist:

“I firmly believe that slavery will restore England to its former glory, especially in terms of education. If schools were to follow my suggestions and teach only British history instead of this stupid “international history”, they would see that slavery wasn’t all that bad. I personally will not rest until slavery reappears in these isles, and where better for it to reappear than in my own council chambers? Bring on the shackles, I say!”

David Cameron, Prime Minister, has rejected such requests for slavery, saying that “it would be bad PR”. However, he does insist that MPs are paid more than their current wage. “Somewhere between £3bn and £5bn would be nice” he was heard saying yesterday to an assistant while visiting an orphanage to pick his monthly sacrificial victim, “though I don’t want to seem greedy.”

Caroline Lucas, widely recognised as the only living MP anybody could stand to have a conversation with, has actually called for a decrease in wages. It is expected that she will ‘disappear’ by the end of the year.

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