THE ORACLE’S BEST ARTICLES: STARBUCKS MASSACRE CAUSED BY MAN WHO “SLURPED REALLY QUITE LOUDLY”

As part of the countdown to 2014, The Oracle has decided to look back at some of our favourite articles over the past year. Granted, we’ve only been going since September, but we’ve got 200 articles to choose from.

Today’s article was one of our first – the Starbucks massacre story.

 

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Detectives investigating the recent shooting of twelve customers at a Birmingham Starbucks understand the shots were fired at 23 year old Alexander Dubois for drinking through a straw “really quite loudly”.

Witnesses claim that the assailant, Mrs Jane Sydney, had given several warning tuts before opening on fire on Mr Dubois and nearby customers.

“Often in cases like this” reads a statement from Detective Constable Murray Adams “the attack seems to be random and unwarranted. However, in this case the attacker’s motives seem to be completely justified. Indeed, Mrs Sydney even gave several warning tuts – that Mr Dubois paid no heed is really his fault.”

Experts say that the average “slurp” reaches only 30 decibels; however, slurping is affected by the “Tick Tock Effect”, a phenomenon that causes sounds to increase in volume the longer you hear them.

“In this circumstance, Mr Dubois’ slurps could easily have reached a level of 140 decibels – equivalent to a passing jumbo jet slurping a very large milkshake” says Dr Carruthers, Professor of Acoustics at St. Andrews University.

The victims of the shooting were told of the cause of the attack yesterday. Reportedly, they exchanged understanding glances and seemed contended with the motive.

“I would have used a hand grenade” said Tracey Stepp, one of the twelve victims “I hate slurping and completely understand why this attack took place.”

Mr Dubois is in a stable state of health in St James’ Hospital. However, due to his injuries, he can only eat or drink through a straw.

“In cases like this” Detective Adams said “irony is the only winner”.

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