The Warren Report, commissioned earlier this month to find out whether people’s attitudes towards marriage had changed over the recession, has closed today after concluding its research in “record-breaking time”.
It transpires that people were flocking literally in their thousands to complain to Angela Smirston (head of the Warren Report) that looking at wedding photos “was less attractive than death”, and that in many cases they had feigned heart attacks to get out of it.
Ms Smirston said that “The rate at which people responded to our survey on changing attitudes to marriage is astonishing. Not only did our scheduled participants respond in record-breaking time, but people were actively phoning us up to complain.
They really wanted to get the news out: ‘looking at people being happy is boring’”.
Ms Smirston believes that this negative attitude to looking at people’s wedding photos – epitomised by one interviewee’s tale of leaping out of a tower block window – can be seen as a part of a general feeling about weddings as a whole.
“A lot of people can’t stand the thought of other people being happy. It’s in our human nature to wish ill upon others, and be annoyed when good things happen. Now weddings are very public examples of a.) two people being happy (at least temporarily), and b.) two people continuing their genetic line into another generation. This speaks to the human race on a very primal level, and in many people can elicit responses of jealousy, rage, and aggressive thoughts of revenge.
Now, to be forced to sit and look at photographs of such an event – it’s no wonder that people feel urged to run away or feign illness. It’s just a natural human reaction.
Plus, looking at other people’s wedding photos is the most boring thing ever and I too would personally rather be ripped limb from limb than see another ‘beaming bride’”.
Of the many stories people told about how they tried to get out of seeing people’s wedding photos, one in particular offers a prime example of how far people will go to avoid looking at documented human happiness: Mr Johnson, his wife, and her mother were trapped looking at their neighbours’ wedding photos. Seeing such bridal radiance and genuine happiness struck a sour chord with the Johnsons, who had been married 20 years, and so in an effort to get out of the situation Mrs Johnson went to the kitchen, grabbed a jar of peanuts, and forced them down her mother’s throat. Her mother, being severely allergic to peanuts, had to be rushed to the hospital where she later died. Mrs Johnson, however, assured the Warren Report that “it was worth it”.
The Warren Report will be consulted by a Parliamentary Group set up to discuss the future of marriage. It is expected that the Group will lobby for a law to ban all photographs of weddings, and possibly all photographs of people having fun, being happy, or looking “rosy-cheeked” in the slightest.