Just weeks after being declared Time Magazine’s ‘Person of the Year’, Pope Francis has revealed that he is actually gay, black, and a woman.
Pope Francis, described by many as the most radical Pope in decades, has challenged stigmas and traditionalist views throughout his time in the papacy. This latest move follows his shock announcement two weeks ago that he is to star in a Durex advert, and is no less astounding.
It transpires that the Pope has been hiding his true sexuality, gender, and race for fear of being attacked by the stalwarts in the Catholic Church. However, says the Pope, he now feels he has “opened enough windows for the truth to be able to shine through”, and therefore can come out as his true self.
“I first realised I was gay when I was a bouncer at a gay nightclub back in Argentina,” said the Pope earlier today, “I was always approached by gay guys wanting a good time, and after a few weeks I acquiesced. It was the most fun I’ve ever had.
As for being black, this is something I’ve tried very hard to deny all my life. But at the end of the day, you’ve just got to take off the face-mask and shout it from the rooftops: I’m black and proud!
Hiding my gender was perhaps the hardest thing to do, though I was helped by a group of singing nuns who lived in the foothills of the Alps. Thank you, Sisters and Mothers: without you, I would not be able to stand here today as the first gay, black, female Pope the world has ever seen.”
The College of Cardinals is expected to meet later today to discuss these revelations, though Pope Francis is unconcerned.
“What can they do?” he said with a chuckle, “I’m the Pope!”
Many are now claiming that they always knew of His Holiness’ true identity:
“I was always suspicious of those dress-like robes he wore” said Armando Defunicci, citizen of Rome, “and a friend of mine said he once saw Pope Francis buying ladies’ razors. It was only a matter of time before the truth came out.”
The Oracle congratulates Pope Francis on his various coming-outs, and wishes him a happy and productive New Year.