BREAKING NEWS: CAMERON AND HOLLANDE DIE IN TRAGIC GAME OF DARTS AT OXFORDSHIRE PUB

A state of emergency has been declared following a disastrous summit at an Oxfordshire pub, in which David Cameron and Francois Hollande were both struck down in a tragic game of darts.

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The UK Prime Minister and French President were engaging in an informal summit at an Oxfordshire pub when they broke for a game of darts. Given the unfortunate lack of athletic ability in both leaders, it was perhaps a game bound to end in tragedy of some sort; and end in tragedy it did.

Although reports are still sketchy, sources say that Hollande was taking a run up to the dartboard when he tripped over a barstool and landed, face down, in a pint of bitter. The dart he had been holding flew into the air and landed, with some force, on David Cameron’s head – penetrating the skull and entering the brain. Meanwhile, the French President drowned in a light and hoppy beer.

By the time the bodyguards of the leaders had returned from an ill-timed cigarette break, both Cameron and Hollande had passed away. Witnesses of the accident say that they did attempt to remove the dart from Cameron’s head before the bodyguards came back, but were “afraid the blood might spurt out and stain our shirts”. As for Hollande, they claim they “thought he was just really enjoying his drink”.

Rumours are already circulating about whether this affair will lead to a state of war between the two countries, or whether the darts game will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records for “most diplomatically disastrous game of darts in modern history”.

Tragically, when Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg was informed of the accident, he promptly dropped dead of a heart attack at the prospect of having some real power for once.

ALARM RAISED AT SELLAFIELD POWER PLANT AS GIANT LIZARD RISES FROM EARTH

The alarm has been raised at the Sellafield nuclear power plant in Cumbria, England, after levels of radiation peaked earlier today and a “gigantic lizard creature” burst from the ground nearby.

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The plant, one of the oldest nuclear power stations in the UK, asked all “non-essential” staff to stay home today as a precaution after an alarm was raised following a peak in radiation levels.

The CEO of the plant, Mr G. Butcher, told news teams that the alarm was “just a precautionary measure, and we do not expect anything drastic to come of these slightly raised levels of radiation”.

However, he was soon thrust thirty feet into the air as the ground swelled, broke, and exploded beneath him and a gigantic lizard leaped out of a steaming pit, claws waving in the air and grasping at any living thing in its range.

The lizard creature, nicknamed “Godzellafield”, then proceeded to rampage around the plant, destroying buildings and nuclear wastage containers in its wake. It then noticed it was on the West Cumbrian coast, sprouted wings and was last seen flying at high-speed towards London.

Approximately 80 tonnes of nuclear waste is now loose in the area around Sellafield, glowing a luminous green and wobbling slightly in a bizarre fashion.

Mr Butcher, who recovered from his fall, has made a statement assuring news reporters that the situation poses “no threat to the public or workers of the plant, and we’re sure the whole thing will soon be forgotten about.”

Experts are watching the still-smoking hole in the ground from which the creature appeared, in the hope that enough creatures may appear so that Britain can finally make a decent monster movie.

HAYLEY CROPPER LEAVES CORONATION STREET IN BLOODTHIRSTY GUNFIGHT

Long-standing character in the British soap ‘Coronation Street’ Hayley Cropper left the show last night in “a hail of bullets so ferocious it made the OK Corral look like the Teletubbies”.

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Cropper, played by Julie Hesmondhalgh, was terminally ill with the pancreatic cancer that had been affecting her for months, and had chosen to kill herself rather than let the disease take her.

However, in a plot twist worthy of M. Night Shyamalan, the once-tepid Hayley did not commit suicide, but instead burst out of her house in the final episode wielding two assault rifles and a fistful of grenades.

Watched from the windows by her beloved husband Roy Cropper (played by David Nielsen), the first transgender character to appear in a British soap wrecked havoc on Coronation Street, shooting to kill any unfortunates who strayed in her path.

The 2-part episode ran for a total of 120 minutes, of which 100 minutes was a tense siege between the Croppers and the SAS, culminating in the detonation of a pipe-bomb by Hayley “Trigger-Happy” Cropper that blew Croppers, coppers, and cobbles to smithereens.

Both Nielsen and Hesmondhalgh were praised for their “sensitive and responsive acting”, with Nielsen’s apparent ease around firearms particularly praised.

“When Roy shouldered the bazooka, I was worried that the soap may have overstepped itself” wrote Daily Mail reviewer Tim Henner, “but it soon became clear that Roy was perfectly comfortable with firearms, and I was able to settle down and enjoy the rest of the gunfight.”

Over 30 extras were drafted in to play the corpses of innocent bystanders in last night’s episode, and the SAS team included real members of the army “in case things got a bit out of hand”.

Now she has left the soap, Hesmondhalgh will appear in Manchester’s Royal Exchange Theatre’s play ‘Blindsided’, before cameoing in the next Die Hard film.

NICK CLEGG CHALLENGES LORD RENNARD TO RAP BATTLE

The leader of the Liberal Democrats, Nick Clegg, has challenged Lord Chris Rennard to a rap battle to decide “which mutha steps down”.

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Lord Rennard, Lib Dem peer since 1999, has recently been at the heart of a sexual misconduct scandal that forced him to resign as Chief Whip last year.

Claims that he sexually assaulted women drove Rennard to leave his high-ranking position, and have plagued him since. However, Lord Rennard refuses to admit any such sexual advances, and despite Nick Clegg’s demands for an apology, refuses to say sorry on the legal grounds that “to apologise would be an admission of guilt”.

The Deputy Prime Minister today released a statement that “Rennard has pushed me and the party too far: as far as I’m concerned, there is only one way to settle this debate. I’m afraid I must challenge Lord Rennard to a bitchin’ rap battle.”

Such a challenge is not unheard of in Westminster, with rap battles traditionally taking place between vying Prime Minister hopefuls; however, this is the first time that a rap battle will take place between two members of the same political party.

Mr Clegg has requested that the rap battle take place in the House of Commons rather than the House of Lords. It is no secret that the Deputy Prime Minister is uneasy in the Lords, but it is unclear how much of an advantage the home turf will offer him as Lord Rennard can allegedly “rip up sick beats on any ground, any time”.

While Lord Rennard is yet to release a reply to Mr Clegg’s challenge, sources close to the peer have revealed he is already hard at work thinking of words to rhyme with “Nick”.

BREAKING NEWS: EGYPTIAN REFERENDUM RESULTS IN DECISION TO RETURN TO “KINGDOM OF RA”

The referendum, called to decide on a new constitution, has instead resulted in an overwhelming decision to return to a “Kingdom of Ra” state, similar to that enjoyed by the Egyptians nearly 5000 years ago.

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Egyptian voters were participating in a two-day referendum to decide the future of their country – namely, whether the constitution should be changed from that that was installed by President Morsi before his removal from government in a military coup.

However, instead of voting “Yes” to this decision, as they were ‘advised’ to do, Egyptian voters have instead overwhelmingly voted to return to a way of life not dissimilar to the Old, Middle, and New Kingdoms of Ancient Egypt.

The news was broken by a representative of the current interim government today, only a few hours after voting opened:

“Although we have not been voting for long, it is clear already that the referendum is swinging in one particular direction. The people have spoken, and we are powerless to stop such a tidal wave of opinion. From this moment, the country of Egypt will return to being ruled by Pharaohs and worshiping animal-headed Gods.”

The decision shocked many heads of state around the world, though the Chief of the British Museum is said to be “delighted”.

Exactly how far the transformation into Ancient Egypt will go nobody is sure – will the government reinforce slave labour to build new pyramids? Will the alphabet be abandoned in favour of hieroglyphics? Will there be sacrifice to ensure the continued rise and fall of the River Nile? All of these questions and more will be need to be tackled by whomever takes up the mantle of Pharaoh of the New(est) Kingdom.

DAVID CAMERON URGES FRACKING OPPONENTS TO “GET ON BOARD” AS HE TUCKS WADS OF NOTES INTO HIS BACK POCKET

The Prime Minister was heard today advising any who oppose fracking – namely, anyone who cares about saving the planet and isn’t so spineless as to waver when gas companies start shoving fistfuls of dollars in their face –  to “get on board” the pro-fracking side of life.

 

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“Come to our side, you hippies,” the Prime Minister said, beckoning to campaigners with £5 notes, “life’s so much more fun when you stop caring about the future.”

“Screw the children’s lives, we can always buy more planets” he shouted from atop his Golden Throne of Hypocrisy, “Do stop exercising your democratic right to protest and come to the fun side of the party.”

The Prime Minister, who has been present at countless meetings dedicated to saving the environment, is now in full support of drilling huge holes into the Earth and extracting noxious gas from its depths. Psychiatrists are baffled at this sudden change of heart, though it is to be noted that Cameron has ordered his tailor to stitch bigger pockets onto his trousers: “for the… children’s charity money”, he said, looking from side to side shiftily.

Cameron also announced the beginning of the “shale your soul to the devil” campaign, in which councils that support ripping holes in the ground beneath their feet will be given a large sum of money that is in no way a bribe at all.

Critics of the project – those that are left, anyway – have suggested that perhaps Mr Cameron’s eagerness to start fracking is borne from his desire to dig down to Hell so he can shake hands with the Dark Lord and maybe stop for a cup of tea with Mrs Thatcher while he’s there.

“In conclusion” concluded Cameron, “stop being a bunch of prissy little hippies and let me ruin the environment. In return, I’ll give you back some of the money I’ve stolen from the disabled. Savvy?”

KING CNUT THE GREAT BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE TO DEAL WITH FLOODING ISSUES

The Anglo-Saxon king, infamous for trying and failing to stop the tide in Southampton, England, has been brought back to life using state-of-the-art methods to act as a low-cost flood prevention device.

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With techniques used by John Travolta to bring his career back to life, the UK Government has revived the ancient King Cnut who ruled from 1016 to 1035 in order to put his famous “tide-stopping” skills to a practical use: namely, to prevent future flooding as the British Isles has seen these past weeks.

As legend has it, Cnut commanded the tides of a river in the south of England to not rise above his feet and wet his shoes and robes. However, tidal water being the arrogant little shit it is, the river continued to rise and “with nary a thought to the hours it would take to dry His Royal Personage over a roaring fire, didst wetten the robes of our Great Cnut”. In other words, Cnut’s attempt to become Ruler of the Waves failed and he was condemned to be content with only ruling dry land.

Critics of the government’s revival of the king have pointed to the fact that his attempt was a failure, and so how can he be counted upon to protect these lands from tides in the future. To such critics the government has responded “Cnut has had nearly 1000 years to practice his tide-halting skills, and so we are confident that he will be able to cope with any tidal problems we will have. Furthermore, Cnut will be assisted by all the technology we have at our fingertips, and therefore will have almost no chance to fail.

“If it should happen that he does fail, the king will instead be used as an early warning system – as his cries for help grow more and more waterlogged, we will be able to predict how fast the tide is encroaching.

“It’s fool-proof.”

Critics have also pointed to the unfortunate spelling of the Great King Cnut’s name, and have posed the worry that some butter-fingered journalist may mistype his name and offend countless readers. However, once more the British Government has assured such critics that all self-respecting newspapers are proof-read to avoid such typing mishaps, and only the most poorly-run of them would ever allow such a horrific typing error to go unchecked. Cunt.