“AND A HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR” – GEORGE OSBORNE WARNS BRITAIN OF TOUGH TIMES AHEAD

The UK Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, has unveiled plans to implement another £25bn worth of cuts over the next seven years, saying that 2014 will be “a year of hard truths”.

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Osborne said in a speech earlier today that he “had only just begun tackling the deficit”, as for the past four years he has been merely “fucking with people’s lives and culling socialists”.

The Chancellor revealed with a grin spreading slowly over his pox-ridden face that he expected to implement most of the cuts in benefits for the disabled, the poor, and single-parent families.

When met with accusations that he was deliberately targeting sectors of society that already suffer the most, he responded with the quip: “If single mothers want more money, they should just marry a rich man. I don’t understand what’s so complicated about that.”

“By the way,” he continued, “the position of Mrs Chancellor of the Exchequer is still open.”

Over the past four years, some critics have said that the Chancellor has been guilty of cutting disabled benefits to such an extent that he may as well be operating a system of euthanasia camps. “Indeed,” said Osborne, “it may well have to come to that if those paraplegics don’t start pulling their weight.”

“You can’t just sit around and expect everyone to pay for you to stay alive,” he continued while tucking into a feast of partridge, gold-encrusted almonds, and cranberry sauce laced with diamond, “Everyone has to pull their weight in these tough, tough times.”

It is expected that David Cameron will applaud the introduction of these cuts, and perhaps even create a legion of Stormtroopers that will actually invade people’s homes and forcefully take the money from their hands.

“Welcome to the year of the dragon, Britain” concluded the Chancellor as flames sprang up around his podium, “Things are about to get pretty fucked up.”

Osborne then joined the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse for a week of fox-hunting.

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