Despite various Buzzfeed articles to the contrary, a Harvard study into recent history has come to the unanimous decision that in actual fact the 1990s were “quite shit after all”.
The study, which has taken over 16 months to produce and focused primarily on the post-Cold War world, saw researchers from across the USA pool their resources to determine whether history is as quite as we’ve imagined it – for instance, whether the 1990s were really the rose-tinted, computer-animated, Nintendo-dominated, sitcom-decorated decade we remember them to be.
However, the group of researchers soon came to the conclusion that the Nineties were “not quite as good as Buzzfeed would have you think”, and that in actuality they were “quite shit after all”.
Researchers cite the embarrassment of poorly-written sitcoms, badly-animated children’s TV shows, and eclectic – but nevertheless, poor – range of music.
“Certain elements of the 1990s do still inspire a sense of nostalgia and longing for the olden days” conceded Head Researcher Frank Wiggins earlier today, “such as thoughts of sugar-filled confectionery, a booming economy, and a young Courtney Cox-Arquette. However, looking at the bigger picture it’s quite clear that the decade was far more disappointing than we’ve been led to believe.”
Declaring the decade to be “quite shit after all” is bound to be a sore point for many of the people born in the 1990s, and there will undoubtedly be some backlash. However, Wiggins says he is unconcerned due to the fact that “no-one born in the 1990s has risen to a position of power yet, and so I can’t be harmed. Yet another example of how woeful the decade was.”
With musical groups like the ‘Spice Girls’ and ‘Take That’ reaching their zenith during the ’90s, it is easy to see how the researchers can condemn the decade as “the worst thing to happen to music since recorder lessons for pre-teens” – indeed, Wiggins claims that only ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’ theme song can hope to redeem the ’90s poor musical landscape and: “that’s a TV theme, so it doesn’t count.”
The report concludes that “if it weren’t for the Nineties, we’d still have some of the best of history to contend with – the Cold War would still be going on, the economy wouldn’t have been set up for the fall it took in 2008, and Jaden Smith wouldn’t have the public profile he has today. Not to mention, of course, the vast death tolls in former Yugoslavia and the Middle East would have been averted. It would have been our Golden Age.”