The Anglo-Saxon king, infamous for trying and failing to stop the tide in Southampton, England, has been brought back to life using state-of-the-art methods to act as a low-cost flood prevention device.


With techniques used by John Travolta to bring his career back to life, the UK Government has revived the ancient King Cnut who ruled from 1016 to 1035 in order to put his famous “tide-stopping” skills to a practical use: namely, to prevent future flooding as the British Isles has seen these past weeks.

As legend has it, Cnut commanded the tides of a river in the south of England to not rise above his feet and wet his shoes and robes. However, tidal water being the arrogant little shit it is, the river continued to rise and “with nary a thought to the hours it would take to dry His Royal Personage over a roaring fire, didst wetten the robes of our Great Cnut”. In other words, Cnut’s attempt to become Ruler of the Waves failed and he was condemned to be content with only ruling dry land.

Critics of the government’s revival of the king have pointed to the fact that his attempt was a failure, and so how can he be counted upon to protect these lands from tides in the future. To such critics the government has responded “Cnut has had nearly 1000 years to practice his tide-halting skills, and so we are confident that he will be able to cope with any tidal problems we will have. Furthermore, Cnut will be assisted by all the technology we have at our fingertips, and therefore will have almost no chance to fail.

“If it should happen that he does fail, the king will instead be used as an early warning system – as his cries for help grow more and more waterlogged, we will be able to predict how fast the tide is encroaching.

“It’s fool-proof.”

Critics have also pointed to the unfortunate spelling of the Great King Cnut’s name, and have posed the worry that some butter-fingered journalist may mistype his name and offend countless readers. However, once more the British Government has assured such critics that all self-respecting newspapers are proof-read to avoid such typing mishaps, and only the most poorly-run of them would ever allow such a horrific typing error to go unchecked. Cunt.


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