The Prime Minister was heard today advising any who oppose fracking – namely, anyone who cares about saving the planet and isn’t so spineless as to waver when gas companies start shoving fistfuls of dollars in their face – to “get on board” the pro-fracking side of life.
“Come to our side, you hippies,” the Prime Minister said, beckoning to campaigners with £5 notes, “life’s so much more fun when you stop caring about the future.”
“Screw the children’s lives, we can always buy more planets” he shouted from atop his Golden Throne of Hypocrisy, “Do stop exercising your democratic right to protest and come to the fun side of the party.”
The Prime Minister, who has been present at countless meetings dedicated to saving the environment, is now in full support of drilling huge holes into the Earth and extracting noxious gas from its depths. Psychiatrists are baffled at this sudden change of heart, though it is to be noted that Cameron has ordered his tailor to stitch bigger pockets onto his trousers: “for the… children’s charity money”, he said, looking from side to side shiftily.
Cameron also announced the beginning of the “shale your soul to the devil” campaign, in which councils that support ripping holes in the ground beneath their feet will be given a large sum of money that is in no way a bribe at all.
Critics of the project – those that are left, anyway – have suggested that perhaps Mr Cameron’s eagerness to start fracking is borne from his desire to dig down to Hell so he can shake hands with the Dark Lord and maybe stop for a cup of tea with Mrs Thatcher while he’s there.
“In conclusion” concluded Cameron, “stop being a bunch of prissy little hippies and let me ruin the environment. In return, I’ll give you back some of the money I’ve stolen from the disabled. Savvy?”