BADGER CULLS DEEMED “INEFFECTIVE” AND “HAVE ONLY SERVED TO ANGER THE BADGER ARMY”

An Independent Expert Panel organised by the Department for Environment, Food, and Rural Affairs (DEFRA) has found that last year’s badger cull was “ineffective”, and warns that there may be a badger backlash “of unprecedented scale”.

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Last year’s badger cull, designed to limit the spread of TB in cattle, failed to kill as many badgers as it was deemed necessary – and also failed to meet the standards of “humaneness” as dictated by DEFRA. The independent panel has criticised the ineffectiveness and inhumanity of the cull, warning that “more evil than good may have been unleashed.”

Badgers, reads a report from Professor Rosie Woodroffe (Zoological Society of London), have been known in the past to deal “violent, merciless, organised vengeance on their enemies”, regardless of shape or size.

“Badgers are inherently warmongers, you must understand,” said Prof. Woodroffe, speaking from a bunker in the Ministry of Defence, “and once they get riled, nothing can stop them. We’ve received intelligence that the badgers may be planning a full-scale assault.”

The Oracle understands that DEFRA has already sent out diplomats to the badger communities to try and establish a dialogue ahead of the impending “badgermageddon”, but have so far achieved nothing.

“One of our diplomats was sent back to us with badger stripes painted all over his face,” said The Oracle’s source at DEFRA, “it was harrowing and a wake-up call.”

“We’ve angered the badgers, and now we’re going to pay.”

It is expected that the badgers will try and coerce other animals to join them in the fight, much like in C.S. Lewis’ “Chronicles of Narnia”. Reports of giant, Christ-like lions floating on the sea are already coming in.

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“GOD MIGHT JUST HATE SOUTHWEST ENGLAND”, SAY EXPERTS

As news comes of an earthquake hitting the south-west of England, just days after the worst flooding since The Ark, many experts are now concluding that “God might just hate” Somerset and Devon.

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“It is clear that these events are not just coincidence,” said Dr Jayne Hummer of the International Seismic Association in an interview with the BBC earlier today, “and that God – for whatever reason – probably just has a bee in his bonnet about the southwest.”

“Maybe it’s because of the unbalanced media coverage they’ve gotten. Maybe it’s because of The Archers. Who knows. All that we are capable of understanding is that some deity is taking out its angst on the battered people of Somerset and Devon.”

Warnings are already being issued to residents of the possibility of a “plague of locusts, mosquitoes, or politicians.” Many fear that the Rapture will come on swift wings.

VALENTINE’S DAY MASSACRE VOTED “BEST VALENTINE’S DAY BY FAR”

The Valentine’s Day of 1929 that saw the North Side Gang gunned down by mercenaries working for Al Capone has been voted the “best Valentine’s Day since records began” by a team of judges.

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At the climax of a bitter gang war between Al Capone’s “South Side Gang” and Bugs Moran’s “North Side Gang”, four ‘unknown’ gunmen entered the SMC Cartage Warehouse on North Clark Street. There, partly disguised as police officers, they lined up five members and two collaborators of Moran’s gang against a wall and shot them at point blank range – presumably as revenge for Moran’s hijacking of the Chicago liquor racket previously.

This bloodthirsty conflict, the result of untempered violence and indicative of the vile lawlessness of Prohibiton-era America, has today been voted the “best Valentine’s Day” by a team of researchers and intellectuals from across the world.

Citing the massacre’s “cold-heartedness, bloodiness, and viciousness”, researchers praised it for “encapsulating precisely what Valentine’s Day should be about”.

“It’s very easy in this day and age to forget that Valentine’s Day isn’t just about love and romance,” said report head Dr. Jill Wu, “and that a large part of it is really about murdering one’s enemies if they get in one’s way.”

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel is said to be “delighted” that the panel chose his city as the basis for the best Valentine’s Day of all time. 

“It’s always great when Chicago has a chance to celebrate its illustrious history. If Moran and Capone were here now, they’d be chuffed” reads a statement from Emanuel.

The Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre narrowly beat the first day of the firebombing of Dresden during World War Two to the top spot, though the judging panel say that the “sharp suits and Tommy guns of 1929 won us over”.

“CHOCOLATE MAKING” GOOGLE DOODLE PROVIDES RELIEF TO MILLIONS OF LONELY SINGLETONS

As the world rolls on through Valentine’s Day, millions of single people are finding solace and hope in today’s Google Doodle, which allows users of the popular search browser to construct virtual chocolates and seal them in a heart-shaped box.

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For many, St. Valentine’s Day is a day of joy and wonderment; a time to spend a few hours with their loved one knowing that this day has been set aside purely for them.

For those who aren’t ignominious lovelorn brats, however, February 14th is just another wet, cold, miserable 24 hours in an unending sequence of days and nights that will roll on until we are offered the sweet release of death.

What makes this day harder to struggle through than any other, however, is the bitter sting of knowing that there are millions of couples having a “good time”, while you’re just stuck at home eating Pringles and watching “Storage Wars”.

However, Google has taken it upon itself to offer solace to those singletons on Valentine’s Day, with a new Doodle that allows lonely people to construct elaborate virtual chocolates and wrap them up in a heart-shaped box, for sending to other people via Facebook, Google+, or Twitter.

“What we really wanted to do,” said Doodle Creator Jeff Blemhurst, “is give single people the opportunity to connect with other single people via the medium of virtual confectionery. We hope that people may use the Doodle to woo their crush so that next year they’re not alone on this most special day.”

However, the Google Doodle seems to have backfired somewhat, as it is mostly being used by lonely people to send virtual chocolates to themselves.

“It’s great,” spoke one lonely person who wished to remain nameless, “I can create my favourite chocolates for free, and send them back to myself. Each time I open that little box I feel the sweet warmth of pretending that someone cares about me.

Valentine’s Day used to be a chore, but now it’s just fun.”

Reports are already coming in of some desperate people trying to eat their computer screens in an attempt to taste those delicious chocolates. The majority of IT workers across the globe are having to be sent home in fear that they will consume their computers, The Oracle has learnt, due to a toxic combination of a.) being lonely, b.) having access to Google non-stop, and c.) usually being denied sweet treats by their masters.

Where the madness will end, it is unknown. But mark my words – we’ll see a lot more kisses between human and computer than we will between lover and lover.

COVERAGE OF WINTER OLYMPICS “ABOUT AS EXCITING AS WATCHING YOUR GRAN EAT”

Viewing figures for ‘Come Dine With Me’ soar as viewers look for anything – anything – else to watch.

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Television Watchdog Ofcom has warned that the BBC’s coverage of the Winter Olympics may be “dangerously dull”, calling it “about as exciting as limp spaghetti”.

Already hundreds of complaints have been logged as viewers phone in to disparage the entertainment quality of watching someone mop an icy floor.

“I didn’t ask for this,” said one disgruntled viewer, “I didn’t expect to be ambushed by sport at this time in the year. Summer is for sport, that’s why they begin with the same letter.”

“With all the furor surrounding the gay rights campaign, I thought that the Sochi Olympics would be mildly interesting,” reads another complaint, “but I was wrong. We were all wrong.”

Many viewers are saying they now regret that Stephen Fry’s bid to boycott the Olympics didn’t succeed; not because they care about human rights, but because then at least they wouldn’t have to put up with this Winter Blunderland each time they flick on the television.

Many viewers are turning to extreme ways of avoiding the Olympic coverage, with some even turning to More 4 in the hope that they can lose themselves in a 4-hour long block of ‘Come Dine With Me’.

David Suchet’s career is experiencing a revival following his farewell from ITV’s ‘Poirot’, as the number of people watching old episodes of the drama on ITV3 has risen steeply since the games began.

“It’s only been four days,” bemoaned one heartbroken viewer, “how the hell can it have only been four days?”

While winter sports such as snowboarding and ski jumping are often lauded as “extreme” and “exciting”, it is clear that there is definitely such a thing as “too much of a good thing”.

Many forlorn lovers of anything that doesn’t involve skis have offered to swap houses with people living in the Somerset Levels, “just to get away from the telly for a while. Drowning would be preferable to seeing another snowboard.”

It is expected that levels of disgruntlement will only grow as the sports continue.

BREAKING NEWS: PUTIN AND YANUKOVYCH ANNOUNCE HOMOSEXUAL RELATIONSHIP

Russia’s President Vladimir Putin and Ukraine’s President Viktor Yanukovych have announced they are entering a homosexual relationship with each other.

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The news comes after the heads of state met during the opening ceremony for the Sochi Winter Olympics.

“At first we met merely to discuss the best ways to suppress our peoples,” said Putin in a statement earlier today, “but very soon it became clear that Viktor was not only passionate about brutal regimes.”

“At first I didn’t realise what Vladimir was trying to do when he suspended financial aid to my country,” added Yanukovych, “but now I see he was just playing hard-to-get.”

Putin’s infamous decree that forbids the discussion of homosexuality in front of children has been at the forefront of many debates surrounding the Winter Olympics, and it is unclear how this new relationship will affect the human rights issues in Russia. Yanukovych, however, is keen to see that Putin does not step down over the issue:

“I fell in love with an oppressive, brutal tyrant. I would not see that man change for all the caviar in all the stereotypes in all the world. I hope that Vladimir will continue to persecute people for being themselves, and that he will help me do the same in my own little country.”

Gossip magazines are already calling the couple Vlad and Vicky, and it is expected an engagement will soon be announced.

ISLAND NATION FAMOUS FOR BAD WEATHER FAILS TO PREPARE FOR RAIN

Great Britain, surrounded by water on all sides and infamous for its bad weather, has once again failed to prepare for the chance it might rain.

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In a shock move, a country that is literally surrounded by water has yet again not prepared itself for flooding.

With a coastline nearly 20,000 miles long, and a capital city that is reputedly the third wettest city in Europe, the UK can be forgiven for forgetting that water exists and sometimes falls from the sky. Such was the case this winter, when hundreds of thousands of homes lost power to raging storms, and remained powerless for weeks on end.

In January and February, however, things got even worse when, in a surprising turn of events, the Somerset Levels – actually named for the fact that they are very flat – suffered extreme flooding.

“Well it came as a complete shock,” spluttered farmer Bill Roberts from under 8 feet of water. “It’s just not the sort of thing you expect to happen for the seventh year in a row.”

Environment Agency Chairman Lord Smith has come under fire for not issuing swift help to those affected by the rain, but he defended himself today while visiting some of the worst-hit areas:

“We’ve done an awful lot to try and stop the flooding. We’ve sent some soldiers to try and scare the water away by shooting at it, and we’ve sent the Prince of Wales to try and command the waters to leave, like King Cnut. We’ve even sent our apologies in the hope they might act as a barrier, but is is clear that our apologies just don’t hold water.” 

“We’re going to start sacrificing UKIP party members to the rain-god soon, see if that does the trick.”

It is expected that as soon as the water dries up, the flooding will be forgotten about until summer, when it will inevitably happen again. So look out for this article being reprinted in 6 months time, only with slightly different dates.