In the latest of a long line of increasingly right-wing policies, Minster for Education Michael Gove has called for capital punishment to be “reintroduced” into schools, claiming it is “chronically underused”.


Mr Gove has been at the forefront of British political news for the past week, denying allegations that he fired the Labour-leaning Chair of Ofsted, Baroness Morgan, in order to increase the number of Tories in top-spots. Known for his varying levels of competence and uncanny ability to hang onto a job no matter how unqualified he is for it, Gove has been trying to cover up his nepotistic tendencies by introducing wild new policies that have been lying in the bottom of a filing cabinet since 1955.

Such new policies include: make state schools more like private schools, enforce annual exams for every child over the age of 24 months, teach only the WASP view on history, and for schools to not be afraid to use old-fashioned punishments like “lines” and litter-picking.

However, things reached a head when Gove announced today that he intends to allow teachers to enforce capital punishment on misbehaving pupils: i.e., teachers may now send naughty children to the electric chair and/or gallows.

“I firmly believe that the key to teaching is fear” said Gove earlier at a press conference, “crippling, bone-chilling fear. And what is more feared than death – aside from, of course, mixing up one’s evening and morning suits? Therefore, from September 2014, teachers will be allowed to exercise capital punishment for any misdemeanour: from forgetting homework to skipping P.E., no crime will go unpunished.”

Mr Gove, who has been warned about “believing his own hype”, then left the stage on a sedan chair, followed by a crowd of cheerleaders throwing roses and Oxbridge diplomas into the air while “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” played over the tannoy system. 


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