Cameron had gathered reporters at the Olympic Park in East London to deliver a speech on the theme that the UK “wants Scotland to stay in the union”, hoping that the Olympic spirit of togetherness would infect voters with union-fever.
However, the Prime Minister shocked crowds when, instead of delivering a planned speech written for him by a dedicated team of spin doctors, he burst into a rendition of Lorraine Ellison’s 1966 hit, “Stay With Me (Baby)”.
Throwing off his suit and grabbing the microphone in front of him with both hands, Cameron sang in an impressive falsetto for 3 minutes, at which point he was dragged off by “advisers”.
“Wasn’t I there? Didn’t I take good care of you?” asked the Prime Minister, ahead of voicing his disbelief that Scotland was leaving him.
“Stay with me, baby,” implored the Prime Minister. “Oh, stay with me baby.” Cameron then confessed that he “can’t go on.”
The PM then asked the very heavens why Scotland would want to leave him, coming to the brief conclusion that “maybe [he] was too good for you.” However, this conclusion was soon forgotten as he launched once more into an impassioned, imploring chorus.
Cameron went back and forth on the issue for the remainder of the song, until he was forcibly removed from the stage.
The prepared speech was then delivered by a team of puppeteers, who controlled a life-size model of the Prime Minister from above. It is expected that the ministerial marionette will deliver most of David Cameron’s speeches from now on. “Indeed,” says publicist Tim Howe, “the puppet has twice the charisma of the real Prime Minister.”
Analysts expect Alex Salmond, MSP, to respond with a song of his own choosing. Critics warn both leaders not to “descend into a rap battle”.