For many, St. Valentine’s Day is a day of joy and wonderment; a time to spend a few hours with their loved one knowing that this day has been set aside purely for them.
For those who aren’t ignominious lovelorn brats, however, February 14th is just another wet, cold, miserable 24 hours in an unending sequence of days and nights that will roll on until we are offered the sweet release of death.
What makes this day harder to struggle through than any other, however, is the bitter sting of knowing that there are millions of couples having a “good time”, while you’re just stuck at home eating Pringles and watching “Storage Wars”.
However, Google has taken it upon itself to offer solace to those singletons on Valentine’s Day, with a new Doodle that allows lonely people to construct elaborate virtual chocolates and wrap them up in a heart-shaped box, for sending to other people via Facebook, Google+, or Twitter.
“What we really wanted to do,” said Doodle Creator Jeff Blemhurst, “is give single people the opportunity to connect with other single people via the medium of virtual confectionery. We hope that people may use the Doodle to woo their crush so that next year they’re not alone on this most special day.”
However, the Google Doodle seems to have backfired somewhat, as it is mostly being used by lonely people to send virtual chocolates to themselves.
“It’s great,” spoke one lonely person who wished to remain nameless, “I can create my favourite chocolates for free, and send them back to myself. Each time I open that little box I feel the sweet warmth of pretending that someone cares about me.
Valentine’s Day used to be a chore, but now it’s just fun.”
Reports are already coming in of some desperate people trying to eat their computer screens in an attempt to taste those delicious chocolates. The majority of IT workers across the globe are having to be sent home in fear that they will consume their computers, The Oracle has learnt, due to a toxic combination of a.) being lonely, b.) having access to Google non-stop, and c.) usually being denied sweet treats by their masters.
Where the madness will end, it is unknown. But mark my words – we’ll see a lot more kisses between human and computer than we will between lover and lover.