The Valentine’s Day of 1929 that saw the North Side Gang gunned down by mercenaries working for Al Capone has been voted the “best Valentine’s Day since records began” by a team of judges.


At the climax of a bitter gang war between Al Capone’s “South Side Gang” and Bugs Moran’s “North Side Gang”, four ‘unknown’ gunmen entered the SMC Cartage Warehouse on North Clark Street. There, partly disguised as police officers, they lined up five members and two collaborators of Moran’s gang against a wall and shot them at point blank range – presumably as revenge for Moran’s hijacking of the Chicago liquor racket previously.

This bloodthirsty conflict, the result of untempered violence and indicative of the vile lawlessness of Prohibiton-era America, has today been voted the “best Valentine’s Day” by a team of researchers and intellectuals from across the world.

Citing the massacre’s “cold-heartedness, bloodiness, and viciousness”, researchers praised it for “encapsulating precisely what Valentine’s Day should be about”.

“It’s very easy in this day and age to forget that Valentine’s Day isn’t just about love and romance,” said report head Dr. Jill Wu, “and that a large part of it is really about murdering one’s enemies if they get in one’s way.”

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel is said to be “delighted” that the panel chose his city as the basis for the best Valentine’s Day of all time. 

“It’s always great when Chicago has a chance to celebrate its illustrious history. If Moran and Capone were here now, they’d be chuffed” reads a statement from Emanuel.

The Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre narrowly beat the first day of the firebombing of Dresden during World War Two to the top spot, though the judging panel say that the “sharp suits and Tommy guns of 1929 won us over”.


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