BADGER CULLS DEEMED “INEFFECTIVE” AND “HAVE ONLY SERVED TO ANGER THE BADGER ARMY”

An Independent Expert Panel organised by the Department for Environment, Food, and Rural Affairs (DEFRA) has found that last year’s badger cull was “ineffective”, and warns that there may be a badger backlash “of unprecedented scale”.

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Last year’s badger cull, designed to limit the spread of TB in cattle, failed to kill as many badgers as it was deemed necessary – and also failed to meet the standards of “humaneness” as dictated by DEFRA. The independent panel has criticised the ineffectiveness and inhumanity of the cull, warning that “more evil than good may have been unleashed.”

Badgers, reads a report from Professor Rosie Woodroffe (Zoological Society of London), have been known in the past to deal “violent, merciless, organised vengeance on their enemies”, regardless of shape or size.

“Badgers are inherently warmongers, you must understand,” said Prof. Woodroffe, speaking from a bunker in the Ministry of Defence, “and once they get riled, nothing can stop them. We’ve received intelligence that the badgers may be planning a full-scale assault.”

The Oracle understands that DEFRA has already sent out diplomats to the badger communities to try and establish a dialogue ahead of the impending “badgermageddon”, but have so far achieved nothing.

“One of our diplomats was sent back to us with badger stripes painted all over his face,” said The Oracle’s source at DEFRA, “it was harrowing and a wake-up call.”

“We’ve angered the badgers, and now we’re going to pay.”

It is expected that the badgers will try and coerce other animals to join them in the fight, much like in C.S. Lewis’ “Chronicles of Narnia”. Reports of giant, Christ-like lions floating on the sea are already coming in.

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