As the decision to cut BBC3 down from a television service to a mere online presence is finalised, people nationwide are reported to be feeling “happier, lighter, and generally more intelligent”.
Such feelings are being attributed by many scientists to be a “hive-mind” reaction to the partial closure of that mosaic of crap, BBC Three.
With such shows as ‘Are You Fitter Than A Pensioner?’, ‘Bizarre Animal ER’, ‘Sun, Sex, And Suspicious Parents’, and ‘TittyTittyBangBang’ now being banished to the nether regions of the internet, it is expected that the national IQ – already rising just in anticipation of the cancellation – will hit new, meteoric highs.
“We expect to see a large increase in the average intelligence across the country following the cancellation of BBC3,” said Dr Pauline Chan of Bristol University, “mainly due to the fact the viewing population will no longer have turgid, bacteria-ridden, toilet-humour-heavy, crap-stag-night television pumped directly into their brain.”
Tony Hall, Director General of the BBC, said that “the decision to axe BBC Three was a very hard one. However, I do not regret it at all and hope that this may go someway to restoring Britain as a world superpower.”
Alex Salmond, leader of the Scottish National Party, has said that he may consider cancelling the Independence Referendum if BBC Three stays abolished: “A Britain without Lee Nelson is a Britain we are willing to be a part of,” he said today.
While many are mourning the loss of classic comedy such as ‘Russell Howard’s Good News’, they are to be reminded that the same comedic value can be garnered by punching yourself in the head while watching the real, grown-up news.
Lord Hall also said that the budget slashed from BBC Three will be used to help drama on BBC One – this may mean that viewers can expect more than one series of Sherlock every decade.