Crimea, which sits adjacent to Russia and has a majority Russian population, has in a twist move decided to become a part of Russia.



Much to the rest of the world’s horror, a democratic election has resulted in the people voting for what they want their government to do.

“This isn’t what democracy is about,” said US Secretary of State John Kerry, “democracy means doing what the United States of America want you to do, not doing what your people want you to do. For crying out loud, Europe wouldn’t have even heard of democracy if we Americans didn’t bring it over during the war.”

Despite international pressure to abandon their democratic right to decide their own fate and let foreign governments do it for them, Crimean voters today decided to secede from Ukraine and join the Russian Federation.

“Can’t they see they’re being manipulated by a foreign power?” asked UK Prime Minister David Cameron, as he threatened sanctions if Russia did not conform to a Western point of view. “Those poor, uneducated people. They can’t possibly decide their own fate, their country isn’t old enough. We must send over the Bullingdon Club to help them.”

Meanwhile, Fox News has been criticising the media bias in Russia, claiming that “news isn’t trustworthy if it’s being controlled by one man.”

The referendum, which was welcomed and participated in widely by the people of Crimea, has been declared “illegal” and “illegitimate” by people who it doesn’t affect and who until last month didn’t talk about Crimea unless it was to make a Florence Nightingale joke.

Many British nationals are saying that the referendum “doesn’t count” because some citizens of Crimea didn’t vote in the referendum, and therefore the result doesn’t reflect the standpoint of the entire population, and might have been different if everyone had voted. Meanwhile, young people across the UK are refusing to vote because Russell Brand told them not to, and besides – what difference does it make?

The West has condemned Russian interference in the referendum, saying that it cannot be seen as legitimate as Putin pressured the Crimean people to vote to join him. In other, unrelated news, David Cameron is to deliver a speech in Edinburgh next month to try and pressure the Scottish people to vote to join him.

“Referendums aren’t fair if statesmen from uninvolved countries try and swing the vote to go the way they want,” said US President Barack Obama, “and that is why we will challenge this referendum until the Crimean people come back to our side. There are only two sides in this argument; the right side, and the wrong side. History and politics only ever have two sides, there are never any shades of grey or topics for discussion. Also, we’re on the right side. I mean, we’re the West – of course we’re right.”

If The Oracle hasn’t made its point clear by now, follow this link:


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