Abbott, who was elected to the premiership of Australia last year as head of a Liberal/National Coalition government, announced to the world at large that “the Australian Maritime Safety Authority has received information of objects possibly related to the search [for MH370]”.
However, it later transpired that these objects were not the presumed wreckage of the Malaysian jet, but were instead mere remnants of Mr Abbott’s personal integrity.
The state of the Prime Minister’s integrity has been a cause of much alarm in circles of any intelligence, with his hard-line policies on asylum seekers, same-sex marriage, and feminism worrying people across the political spectrum. Indeed, the search for any milk of human kindness in Abbott’s veins would be as elusive and weary as the search for the missing Boeing 777 has been to date.
The general manager of the Australian Maritime Safety Authority, Mr John Young, said of the revelation: “While this will come as a great disappointment to anybody wishing for news of MH370, we should have predicted that the wreckage may indeed have belonged to Mr Abbott’s sense of human decency.
Since his election, we’ve suspected that his integrity must be lying in bits somewhere around the place – weeks after he was brought to office, he blocked a bill for Same-Sex Marriage; he has repeatedly demeaned the role of women in society; he suggested that Aborigines will only find work picking up litter from the streets; and he reacted to the news that an Australian soldier had died with the comment “shit happens”.
With all this and his comment that “climate change is absolute crap”, it’s no wonder that his integrity is lying broken and wrecked in the ocean. In fact, I predict that soon we will find what’s left of his brain bobbing around too.”
Mr Abbott has declined to comment, though the Australian people are apparently hoping to use the wreckage of his integrity to try and construct an alternative leader, one with a moral compass.