EVERYONE NOW EQUAL TO TRAP THEMSELVES IN A LOVELESS PARTNERSHIP THAT WILL HAUNT THEM UNTIL THEY ARE GRANTED THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

Same-sex marriage was legalised in England and Wales at midnight last night, finally allowing millions of people to legally experience the slow death of their love over a period of wasted years.

 

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At the stroke of midnight, gay couples throughout England and Wales toasted the dawn of a new era; an age in which all people, no matter their sexuality, could legally marry.

The law, which was passed in Parliament last year, came into effect last night, much to the joy of couples such as Peter McGraith and David Cabreza, John Coffey and Bernardo Marti, and Andrew Wale and Neil Allard – all of whom married their respective partners as soon as they were lawfully able.

It heralds a new time of equality for same-sex couples, and has been much lauded by politicians from all the major parties: David Cameron tweeted his congratulations to couples, Ed Milliband said “it’s an incredibly proud time for our country”, and Nick Clegg tried to foolishly assert himself as a politician by thanking “the coalition government”, whatever that is.

Throughout England and Wales, gay men and women are now free to enter into a binding legal contract which will see them forced to spend the rest of their lives regretting the 29th March 2014. They will share the same rights as straight couples: the right to watch your marriage wither and die; the right to lose all belief in human kindness; the right to live in an uneasy partnership until you welcome death like a fresh lover; and most importantly, the right to curse the name of “love” and succumb to the dark embrace of unconditional hate.

“This is a really great time for everyone,” said Human Rights Campaigner Peter Tatchell, “Loving couples of all sexualities will now be free to dig black pits for their adoration and bury it deep in the salty earth, allowing tangled weeds of regret to blossom over its grave.”

“I’ve been fighting for this moment for all my adult life, and now I can sleep easy knowing that everyone will be as miserable as everyone else.”

The Oracle offers its congratulations and sympathies to all those getting married this weekend.

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