UKIP CANDIDATE TWEETS ENTIRE CONTENTS OF “MEIN KAMPF”

William Henwood, UKIP candidate, defends tweets as “not racist”.

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Henwood, who is standing for council election in this year’s European elections has tweeted the entire contents of Adolf Hitler’s ‘Mein Kampf’ – a cornerstone work of the German Nazi Party, written while Hitler was in prison in Bavaria.

William Henwood took to the social media site today following allegations that previous tweets of his – suggesting that Lenny Henry should go to a “black country” – were “vile racism”.

He has also previously used Twitter to compare Islam to the Third Reich: “Islam reminds me of the 3rd Reich Strength through violence against the citizens.”

He has defended these past tweets, saying that they were “not offensive”. However, Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt said on BBC Radio 5 Live that the tweets were “absolutely disgusting”.

Henwood’s decision to respond to these allegations of racism by tweeting the entire contents of ‘Mein Kampf’ has been met with staunch opposition and bewilderment from across the political spectrum.

In response to one tweet: “Was there any shady undertaking, any form of foulness, especially in cultural life, in which at least one Jew did not participate?”, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said “wtf are you doing, son?”

A later tweet discussing the pros and cons of offering Christian teachings to “the negro” was retweeted by UKIP Party Leader Nigel Farage, along with the annotation: “Bloody hell Bill, were u in that plane crash too?!? Sort ur head out.”

However, Mr Henwood has shown no signs of “sorting his head out”: with tweets limited to 140 characters, his mission to tweet the entire contents of Mein Kampf will take him hours if not days to complete; despite the evident enthusiasm with which he is tackling the challenge.

A UKIP party spokesman has said of Henwood’s actions: “Every party has at least one maverick. Bill will sort himself out in the end.”

More on this story as it develops.

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ST GEORGE’S DAY MARKED BY VIOLENT DRAGON-SAINT CLASHES ACROSS ENGLAND

Home Counties and London hit hardest by violence after peaceful protests go awry.

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England has erupted into chaos after a series of peaceful protests by the National Institute for the Rehabilitation of Dragons (NIRD) turned violent across the country.

The protests were organised by NIRD in an attempt to convince the public that “today’s dragons are not history’s monsters”, and that they should “be allowed to assimilate into day-to-day life, not as creatures, but as friends”.

Peaceful marches were conducted in major cities across England, with the largest – in Guildford, Surrey – attracting over 1000 dragons: the largest single gathering of dragons in 200 years. Dragon-sympathetic humans also joined the march, with many dressed in costumes that depicted their fiery friends.

However, reports came in shortly after the marches began this morning of aggressive movements by the Most Ancient and Noble Order of the Saints, directed at the assembled NIRD supporters. Witnesses claimed that heckling, both verbal and physical, was rampant, and in one case – in Stratford-Upon-Avon – a fire engine was hijacked by renegade saints and used to chase after a group of dragons.

NIRD officials were quick to condemn the disruption of the marches, claiming that the dragons were not a public menace and were simply evoking their right  to peaceful protest. Attempts were made to calm the riled dragons, but a volley of fire extinguishers thrown by saints from the rooftops of Guildford led to violent clashes between dragons and the Most Ancient and Noble Order of the Saints.

Although other marches across the country were continuing peacefully (with those in York and Durham suffering no disruption whatsoever), when word spread that there were clashes in Guildford, violence erupted in most major cities across England. Those with a high dragon population – including Plymouth, Leominster, and Worcester – suffered great fire-and-claw damage to public property.

Violence is also spreading to London, where pro-dragon groups have a generational stronghold. Boris Johnson is yet to issue a statement on the violence, though officers of the Metropolitan Police are already at hand with anti-riot equipment.

Dragon-saint clashes are continuing across the country at the time of press, and although it is too early to comment on the immediate outcome, it is clear that the cause for better dragon-human relations has suffered a devastating setback.

If you have been affected by the Dragon-Saint clashes of 23/04/2014, and would like to be contacted by The Oracle for witness viewpoints, email theoraclepaper@gmail.com

SIR BRUCE FORSYTH STEPS DOWN FROM HOSTING ‘STRICTLY COME DANCING’ IN ORDER TO FOCUS ON HIS SPOT AS THIS YEAR’S GLASTONBURY SATURDAY HEADLINER

The 86-year old has hosted ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ since its beginnings in 2004, but has said that “my music can’t wait anymore”.

 

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Tributes from across the worlds of music and dancing have been flooding in for the veteran entertainer, with Jack White – who is also performing at this year’s Glastonbury Festival – tweeting: “Shame to hear Bruce leaving Strictly, but great 2 be seeing him @ Glasto!”.

The line-up for the Glastonbury festival was revealed last week, with the Friday and Sunday headliners being named as Arcade Fire and Kasabian respectively. The Saturday headliner was not revealed “due to contractual obligations” until Forsyth broke the news last night at an impromptu jamming session at his mansion in Wiltshire.

“I’ve been thinking about it for a very, very long time,” rapped Sir Bruce last night, “and now I can’t hold it back anymore. I will cease to host ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ as of this year, and will be concentrating completely on my music from now on.”

Forsyth, who first appeared on the BBC in 1939, has been known to enjoy “old favourites”, including Nat King Cole and Frank Sinatra. However, he assured the public last night that his musical tastes have “matured and mutated” since he last took up a mike. How much they differ from his previous stylings is unknown, though recently rumours have started to surface about him being one member of French electronic duo Daft Punk.

Forsyth has never denied these rumours outright, but last night was heard to comment “DP could never drop something half as dope as my beats”.

The impromptu session last night was accompanied by a blanket ban on media coverage, and only those closest to Sir Bruce have heard his newest, “matured and mutated” music.

Nevertheless Emily Eavis, co-organiser of Glastonbury, has no doubts about Forsyth’s prowess:

“He let us hear a little of his stuff a couple of months ago as a birthday present to me, and I was completely and utterly shocked. I felt a little sick afterwards, but it was a good kind of sick. Like after being on a rollercoaster. I knew there and then that we had to have him as the Saturday headliner this year.”

Although Forsyth has left ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ for good, it has not left him, he promises: “I’d be a fool not to include some ‘Strictly…’ themed tunes at Glasto this year. Keep your eyes and ears peeled for the return of a certain Ms. Widdecombe.”