FARAGE JUST GOES RIGHT AHEAD AND PISSES ON AUDIENCE

UKIP Leader Nigel Farage urinates on BBC audience at election debate, kills puppy.

Last night’s Challengers Debate was brought to an abrupt end when Nigel Farage, leader of UKIP, whapped out his genitals and took a piss on the television audience.

Incensed at the red flags being waved by the lefty intelligentsia that filled the studio, Farage decided that only a good dose of common-sense poli-piss would dampen the flames of communism that were threatening to burn down this green and pleasant land.

“Even by BBC standards, you lot really are anarchist kiddie-killers”, whispered Farage as he slowly undid his flies in front of David Dimbleby’s face, before wrenching out his penis and soaking the lefty-liberal media stooges with his urine.

The other debaters – Ed Miliband, Nicola Sturgeon, Natalie Bennett, and Leanne Wood – watched in horror as Farage’s urine caused the Stalinist audience to burst into black flames and scream Billy Bragg songs in Polish.

Before long, the entire audience had been reduced to a smouldering pile of ash that, reforming itself into Aneurin Bevan, picked up Leanne Wood and marched her off stage to go kill the queen.

Farage then stared directly into the cameras as he raised a small albino puppy. “I’m coming for you, Juncker”, he sang in a falsetto, before crushing the puppy in one hand.

A snap poll taken at the end of the debate put Miliband and Farage neck-and-neck on a 32% approval rate.

OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE FINALLY GET A FUCKING BREAK

Millions of overweight people attempted a high-five of stomach flab today as news came that obesity is linked to a reduced likelihood of developing dementia.

Researchers welcomed the “surprising” results, celebrating “the overdue arrival of a reason not to be thin”.

“This is excellent news”, said lead researcher Dr Nawab Qizilbash, “We have finally been granted a reason to actively pursue a life of obesity. We can expect news of Gwyneth Paltrow’s implosion any day now”.

The study shows that overweight people are 18% less likely to develop dementia than underweight people – a group Dr Qizilbash suggests “seriously reconsider their lifestyle”.

“Not only do these underweight people spend their entire lives avoiding anything fun like eating thirteen entire Co-op Victoria Sponges in one lunch break, but now they won’t even be able to remember their self-righteousness as they age”, quoth the good doctor.

“They will be unable to bore their grandchildren with stories of celery and cardio, and will be left with a useless stick of a body with nothing inside. Not cake, not memories, not anything.”

However, doubts have already been cast on the research group following Mr Eric Pickles apparent loss of cognitive ability in an interview with Justin Webb on Friday morning. Mr Pickles, a walking clogged artery, seemed to have lost all grasp of his party’s policies, the nature of interviewing, and the basics of the English language as he struggled with questions regarding the Tory’s new ‘forced volunteer roaming death squads’ initiative.

“Perhaps obesity is not a magic fix for cognitive issues after all”, admitted Dr Qizilbash, “we’ll keep looking. In the meantime, I would still recommend eating copious quantities of cake. It feels good, and you might well be secretly curing yourself of testicular cancer. Who knows?”

LABOUR PLEDGES FACE-TO-FACE MEETINGS BETWEEN SCHOOLCHILDREN AND TRIDENT MISSILES

In a move welcomed across the party political spectrum, the Labour education manifesto includes a pledge designed to “remind teenagers of their inescapable mortality”.

With twenty-seven days until what many are predicting to be the closest-run General Election in a generation, Ed Miliband and Tristram Hunt have set out a series of controversial education policies in Labour’s Education Manifesto.

Among such crazy promises as the safeguarding of free school meals, the capping of class sizes at below 30, and an education budget that reflects inflation, Miliband and Hunt have pledged to give children aged 8 to 18 weekly face-to-face encounters with armed nuclear missiles.

The initiative has been broadly welcomed across the media, with The Daily Mail calling it “a much-needed wake-up call for today’s Generation Dole”.

“It is indicative of this country’s plunge into Communist anarchy that children no longer worry about the threat of nuclear war”, ran the Mail’s online editorial, “and Miliband’s long-overdue decision to inflict moral and emotional abuse on youngsters couldn’t have come at a better time.

This is not to say that we support the Labour Party, though. We are still lovingly entrenched in matrimony to the Consevatives. Look – here’s a picture of Ed choking the Easter Bunny in a kitchen the size of the International Space Station. Now buy some cheap CDs or fuck off.”

The face-to-face meetings have been designed to “remind teenagers of their inescapable mortality”, said a party insider -who also told The Oracle that it was a choice between teenagers staring at Trident or at a montage of Tony Blair’s ageing face (as to why Blair’s face was not called upon: “Trident was deemed to be marginally cheaper”).