In a move welcomed across the party political spectrum, the Labour education manifesto includes a pledge designed to “remind teenagers of their inescapable mortality”.

With twenty-seven days until what many are predicting to be the closest-run General Election in a generation, Ed Miliband and Tristram Hunt have set out a series of controversial education policies in Labour’s Education Manifesto.

Among such crazy promises as the safeguarding of free school meals, the capping of class sizes at below 30, and an education budget that reflects inflation, Miliband and Hunt have pledged to give children aged 8 to 18 weekly face-to-face encounters with armed nuclear missiles.

The initiative has been broadly welcomed across the media, with The Daily Mail calling it “a much-needed wake-up call for today’s Generation Dole”.

“It is indicative of this country’s plunge into Communist anarchy that children no longer worry about the threat of nuclear war”, ran the Mail’s online editorial, “and Miliband’s long-overdue decision to inflict moral and emotional abuse on youngsters couldn’t have come at a better time.

This is not to say that we support the Labour Party, though. We are still lovingly entrenched in matrimony to the Consevatives. Look – here’s a picture of Ed choking the Easter Bunny in a kitchen the size of the International Space Station. Now buy some cheap CDs or fuck off.”

The face-to-face meetings have been designed to “remind teenagers of their inescapable mortality”, said a party insider -who also told The Oracle that it was a choice between teenagers staring at Trident or at a montage of Tony Blair’s ageing face (as to why Blair’s face was not called upon: “Trident was deemed to be marginally cheaper”).


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