ON THIS DAY: ATTACK ON PEARL HARBOUR

On the 7th December 1941, Japanese aircraft attacked the US Military Base in Pearl Harbour, Hawaii. This nefarious act is believed by many to be one of the worst war crimes committed during WWII, solely for the reason that 60 years later it would give rise to Michael Bay’s film “Pearl Harbour”.

 

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The attack on Pearl Harbour was one of trickiest military maneuvers ever accomplished, as it entailed crossing the international date line and therefore beginning one day after it ended. Such was the confusion about the apparent time travel, many Japanese pilots had an existential crisis and concluded that life wasn’t worth living if the laws of nature could be bended so easily. Hence, many of the pilots deliberately drove their planes into the ground in suicide attempts – the Japanese government would later use this as propaganda, saying it showed how passionate these ‘kamikazes’ were about winning the war. But we know the truth, don’t we, Oracle readers?

The immediate consequences of the attack were that many of the soldiers stationed at Pearl Harbour were rudely interrupted mid-coitus with beautiful Hawaiian girls. It is believed that this interruption led directly to the dropping of the nuclear bombs on Japan at the end of 1945, as many generals thought that such a punishment was warranted for such a despicable cock-block.

Longer-term consequences included the arrival of the USA into World War Two, which would in turn lead to a 200% increase in American bragging for the next 70 years. However, as bad as this was for international diplomacy, it has given birth to some of the greatest war films ever made – ‘The Longest Day’, and ‘Happy Gilmore’ spring to mind.

In conclusion, the attack on Pearl Harbour was overwhelmingly a bad thing, as it gave Michael Bay the chance to have a career. And no-one can forgive the Japanese for that.

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ON THIS DAY: YURI ANDROPOV SUCCEEDS LEONID BREZHNEV AS LEADER OF THE SOVIET UNION

Andropov led a long life as Head of the KGB, then became the head of the Soviet Union and died.

On the 12th November 1982, two days after Leonid Brezhnev died, Yuri Andropov became leader of the USSR: it took him the two days to walk from his seat to the acceptance podium, as he was 3000 years old.

His acceptance speech took 15 months, at the end of which he collapsed and died. He holds the accolade, therefore, of being the only leader of any country to spend his entire term of office on the same spot. The people in the audience, too, died – though they not of old age, but of boredom. It was said that three generations of civil servants were called in as reinforcements and all of them died, leading to the great “Bureaucratic Famine” of 1984, in which there were no civil servants available anywhere in the USSR.

Andropov accomplished nothing in his term of office, except achieving the following world records: the longest time anyone has gone without eating or drinking; the largest amount of people killed without lifting a finger or issuing a command; and the longest pause between sentences ever recorded in the history of human speech.

When his successor Konstantin Chernenko took office, people were ready for a bit of excitement. Boy, did Chernenko deliver – his administration was a whirlwind 13 months, before he too upped sticks and died. All that was accomplished in his administration was the USSR Boycott of the Los Angeles 1984 Olympics: instead, the USSR hosted the 1984 ‘Friendship Games’, which is the remedial class of international sports competitions if ever I heard one.

ON THIS DAY: MUNICH BEER HALL PUTSCH BEGINS

“Well, that’s the last we’ll hear of that Hitler character” – the Weimar Government.

On 8th November 1923, Adolf Hitler and other leaders of German minority parties tried to seize power in Germany by rallying the occupants of a Beer Hall in Munich.

Hitler planned to march on Weimar with 3000 men he rallied and overthrow the government, placing in its stead a nationalistic Third Reich.

However, Hitler was defeated in the march and lost 16 Nazi officers against the 4 Weimar policemen. He was jailed for life, and the Nazi party dissolved.

Adolf Hitler practised good behaviour in prison, however, and was allowed out after only 10 years. By this time, the Weimar Republic had gone from strength to strength, pushing through the difficulties of the Great Depression to become the world’s second largest economy (after Swaziland) and world’s largest exporter of gold. It had a thriving arts and culture scene, and gay marriage was made legal only 8 months after Hitler was released from jail.

Adolf Hitler realised the true potential of the Weimar Republic upon his release and wrote a series of novellas praising the country’s openness to homosexuality. The novellas also delved deep into Hitler’s own homosexuality and were called collectively “Mein Campness”. He went on to become a leading light in Germany’s arts scene, working with Marilyn Monroe, Andy Warhol, and Tony Blair.

ON THIS DAY: PARANOID KING JAMES I BANS BONFIRE NIGHT

“It be the much destructive and disastrous manifesto of these people to set offe the fyre works with no heede payd to whatte harm it may do” – King James I

On the 5th November 1605, King James I of England and VI of Scotland and X of Ireland and V of Japan and CL of Papua New Guinea displayed his paranoid tendencies when he banned Bonfire Night for the remainder of his reign.

Known for his staunch support of other public holidays, King James’ decision came as a shock to the people of Great Britain, who responded by staging a revolt in the dockyards of Southampton. When the King’s guard came to crush the rebellion, the rebels made decoys – or ‘Guys’ – and placed them around town for the army to shoot at while the real plotters made their escape.

Learning of this debacle, King James put his great mind to work and realised that he could not win an outright war against such cunning guerrilla tactics. After consulting with three witches he found in a sieve in Balmoral Castle, the King decided to wage psychological warfare on the rebels: he would burn imitations of their decoys every year as a warning to the plotters – don’t screw around with the crown, or you’ll go the same way as your precious dummies.

Using mind control learned from the three witches, James instilled in the population of Britain the desire to burn dummy men every 5th November, so that wherever the plotters went they would be reminded of their imminent execution. The practice continues until this day.

So, children, if when you’re burning your Guy tonight you see a worried looking man dressed in Elizabethan clothes – tackle him! He may just be a conspirator.

ON THIS DAY: THE NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY IS FOUNDED

“You know chief, I think that in 50 years time people will be thankful for the NSA”.

On 4th November 1952, the National Security Agency was founded by President Truman. Tasked initially with global surveillance to prohibit the spread of Communism, the NSA now focuses mainly on listening to every word you say. Every. Single. Word.

Of its long and eventful history, this reporter can say nothing without fear of being locked away in a dark room. Suffice it to say: the NSA has always been watching. Imagine ‘The Truman Show’, but with every living person on this planet. Baby just born in the Philippines? The NSA has already planned its life out. Getting married to someone you’re not meant to be? The NSA will make that person disappear.

Free will is an illusion: there is only the NSA.

ON THIS DAY: SOVIET SCIENTISTS SEND LAIKA, THE DOG, INTO SPACE

“Woof woof communism woof woof cosmonauts woof woof Stalin”

On the 3rd November 1957, in what was to have unprecedented consequences for the human race, Soviet space scientists sent a dog named Laika into orbit aboard the spacecraft Sputnik 2.

Laika was provided with food and water, and enough oxygen to keep her going for 6 days. It was initially claimed that Laika died from lack of oxygen on the 6th day, though in 2002 it was claimed that she died after only a few hours aboard the craft.

However, in recent years it has come to light that Laika did not die at all; she instead left the spacecraft on the 5th day of orbit and, with the help of friendly space-dogs, formed a colony high above the earth’s atmosphere.

There, Laika was declared a god among dogs and presided over 50 years of glittering progress, capturing astronauts and cosmonauts to learn how the human race was progressing. Upon her deathbed in 2008, Laika issued a proclamation to all space-dogs: destroy the Earth.

Negotiations have been ongoing since the first wave of KanineKrafts arrived on Earth, bearing ransom demands and assassin dogs, trained to shoot any hostile units on sight. While the UN claims that diplomacy is in effect, it is this newspaper’s opinion that the space-dogs have the upper hand and are only weeks away from destroying our beloved home.

Godspeed, readers. Godspeed.