Millions of overweight people attempted a high-five of stomach flab today as news came that obesity is linked to a reduced likelihood of developing dementia.
Researchers welcomed the “surprising” results, celebrating “the overdue arrival of a reason not to be thin”.
“This is excellent news”, said lead researcher Dr Nawab Qizilbash, “We have finally been granted a reason to actively pursue a life of obesity. We can expect news of Gwyneth Paltrow’s implosion any day now”.
The study shows that overweight people are 18% less likely to develop dementia than underweight people – a group Dr Qizilbash suggests “seriously reconsider their lifestyle”.
“Not only do these underweight people spend their entire lives avoiding anything fun like eating thirteen entire Co-op Victoria Sponges in one lunch break, but now they won’t even be able to remember their self-righteousness as they age”, quoth the good doctor.
“They will be unable to bore their grandchildren with stories of celery and cardio, and will be left with a useless stick of a body with nothing inside. Not cake, not memories, not anything.”
However, doubts have already been cast on the research group following Mr Eric Pickles apparent loss of cognitive ability in an interview with Justin Webb on Friday morning. Mr Pickles, a walking clogged artery, seemed to have lost all grasp of his party’s policies, the nature of interviewing, and the basics of the English language as he struggled with questions regarding the Tory’s new ‘forced volunteer roaming death squads’ initiative.
“Perhaps obesity is not a magic fix for cognitive issues after all”, admitted Dr Qizilbash, “we’ll keep looking. In the meantime, I would still recommend eating copious quantities of cake. It feels good, and you might well be secretly curing yourself of testicular cancer. Who knows?”