OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE FINALLY GET A FUCKING BREAK

Millions of overweight people attempted a high-five of stomach flab today as news came that obesity is linked to a reduced likelihood of developing dementia.

Researchers welcomed the “surprising” results, celebrating “the overdue arrival of a reason not to be thin”.

“This is excellent news”, said lead researcher Dr Nawab Qizilbash, “We have finally been granted a reason to actively pursue a life of obesity. We can expect news of Gwyneth Paltrow’s implosion any day now”.

The study shows that overweight people are 18% less likely to develop dementia than underweight people – a group Dr Qizilbash suggests “seriously reconsider their lifestyle”.

“Not only do these underweight people spend their entire lives avoiding anything fun like eating thirteen entire Co-op Victoria Sponges in one lunch break, but now they won’t even be able to remember their self-righteousness as they age”, quoth the good doctor.

“They will be unable to bore their grandchildren with stories of celery and cardio, and will be left with a useless stick of a body with nothing inside. Not cake, not memories, not anything.”

However, doubts have already been cast on the research group following Mr Eric Pickles apparent loss of cognitive ability in an interview with Justin Webb on Friday morning. Mr Pickles, a walking clogged artery, seemed to have lost all grasp of his party’s policies, the nature of interviewing, and the basics of the English language as he struggled with questions regarding the Tory’s new ‘forced volunteer roaming death squads’ initiative.

“Perhaps obesity is not a magic fix for cognitive issues after all”, admitted Dr Qizilbash, “we’ll keep looking. In the meantime, I would still recommend eating copious quantities of cake. It feels good, and you might well be secretly curing yourself of testicular cancer. Who knows?”

LABOUR PLEDGES FACE-TO-FACE MEETINGS BETWEEN SCHOOLCHILDREN AND TRIDENT MISSILES

In a move welcomed across the party political spectrum, the Labour education manifesto includes a pledge designed to “remind teenagers of their inescapable mortality”.

With twenty-seven days until what many are predicting to be the closest-run General Election in a generation, Ed Miliband and Tristram Hunt have set out a series of controversial education policies in Labour’s Education Manifesto.

Among such crazy promises as the safeguarding of free school meals, the capping of class sizes at below 30, and an education budget that reflects inflation, Miliband and Hunt have pledged to give children aged 8 to 18 weekly face-to-face encounters with armed nuclear missiles.

The initiative has been broadly welcomed across the media, with The Daily Mail calling it “a much-needed wake-up call for today’s Generation Dole”.

“It is indicative of this country’s plunge into Communist anarchy that children no longer worry about the threat of nuclear war”, ran the Mail’s online editorial, “and Miliband’s long-overdue decision to inflict moral and emotional abuse on youngsters couldn’t have come at a better time.

This is not to say that we support the Labour Party, though. We are still lovingly entrenched in matrimony to the Consevatives. Look – here’s a picture of Ed choking the Easter Bunny in a kitchen the size of the International Space Station. Now buy some cheap CDs or fuck off.”

The face-to-face meetings have been designed to “remind teenagers of their inescapable mortality”, said a party insider -who also told The Oracle that it was a choice between teenagers staring at Trident or at a montage of Tony Blair’s ageing face (as to why Blair’s face was not called upon: “Trident was deemed to be marginally cheaper”).

THOUSANDS CHASE ‘TOP GEAR’ TEAM OUT OF ARGENTINA “JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE SHITS”

“It had nothing to do with the Falklands War,” one Argentinian told The Oracle, “Jeremy Clarkson et al. are simply maddeningly irksome.”

Falklands War

The crew and cast of the BBC motoring show, ‘Top Gear’, have had to stop filming their Argentinian special because they were hounded out of the country.

“Thousands” of Argentinians pursued the team to the border, tweeted Jeremy Clarkson, who also claimed that they were being “pelted with rocks”.

Initially, it was assumed that this aggression had to do with the numberplate of a Porsche Clarkson was driving. “H982 FKL” was thought to have angered Argentinians by referring to the Falklands War conflict of 1982.

However, members of the angry mob that chased the motorists out of the country say that they did it “simply because Clarkson, Hammond, and May are the most insufferable idiots on the face of the earth”.

“With every second they stayed here, they were staining our country’s reputation,” complained one man, “it was either chase them out of the country or bury them alive in a pit of snakes.”

The Oracle would like to advise any nation to follow Argentina’s fine example, and hound the ‘Top Gear’ team out of their country as soon as they arrive – if not sooner.

WOMAN, 24, URGED TO “GET HER TITS OUT”

Witnesses say request was issued on behalf of “the lads”.

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Jess Roberts, who cannot be named for legal reasons, received the entreaty late Saturday night outside a Wetherspoons in Bradford, England.

She was smoking outside the entrance to the chain pub when a group of men across the street issued a formal request for Ms Roberts to “get her tits out”.

The men then repeated this request three times, before reminding Ms Roberts that such an action should be done “for the lads”, if that wasn’t already apparent.

It is claimed that Ms Roberts’ compliance would have rewarded the group of men with a temporary ego- and testosterone-boost, before they realised how shallow and unworthy their existence really is.

However, say experts, this revelation would not have bothered the men for long, as they would probably soon issue another appeal for upper-body nudity only moments later, and in the process bury thoughts of inadequacy deep down.

Eye-witnesses applauded the delivery of the request, calling it a “gutsy, back-to-basics, grassroots chant”, reminiscent of “a neanderthal hunting cry”.

However, others were not so impressed, with Mr Frank Jamieson writing a scathing review of it in The Telegraph, in which he called it “unoriginal, uninspired, and untidy.” Mr Jamieson awarded it 2/5 stars.

Ms Roberts did not acquiesce to the solicitation, and instead retired back inside the door of Wetherspoons. It is expected that she will deliver a full statement some time this week.

JUDGE JOHNSON TO JURY: IGNORE PM’S ‘NIGELLA COMMENTS’

Judge Robin Johnson, who is presiding over the trial of two of Nigella Lawson’s former personal assistants, has asked the jury to ignore any comments made my the Prime Minister David Cameron on the subject of the TV chef.

 

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Cameron, 47, was being interviewed in the Spectator magazine when he said that he was “a massive fan of Nigella” and he “wouldn’t kick her out of bed.”

He went on to say “Nigella and I used to do coke all the time together. In fact, we came up with some of her best recipes while crapped out of our minds. We drifted apart when Samantha [Cameron] came onto the scene, but I’m still definitely on Team Nigella”.

Judge Johnson said to the jury at the Isleworth Crown Court that Mr Cameron’s remarks were “regrettable, but understandable”, and asked that the jury “try and eliminate all thoughts of Mr Cameron and Ms. Lawson copulating, for the good of your health”.

It is expected that Mr Cameron will not face trial for his confessions to the Spectator magazine, but will face a frosty dinnertime tonight.