WOMAN, 24, URGED TO “GET HER TITS OUT”

Witnesses say request was issued on behalf of “the lads”.

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Jess Roberts, who cannot be named for legal reasons, received the entreaty late Saturday night outside a Wetherspoons in Bradford, England.

She was smoking outside the entrance to the chain pub when a group of men across the street issued a formal request for Ms Roberts to “get her tits out”.

The men then repeated this request three times, before reminding Ms Roberts that such an action should be done “for the lads”, if that wasn’t already apparent.

It is claimed that Ms Roberts’ compliance would have rewarded the group of men with a temporary ego- and testosterone-boost, before they realised how shallow and unworthy their existence really is.

However, say experts, this revelation would not have bothered the men for long, as they would probably soon issue another appeal for upper-body nudity only moments later, and in the process bury thoughts of inadequacy deep down.

Eye-witnesses applauded the delivery of the request, calling it a “gutsy, back-to-basics, grassroots chant”, reminiscent of “a neanderthal hunting cry”.

However, others were not so impressed, with Mr Frank Jamieson writing a scathing review of it in The Telegraph, in which he called it “unoriginal, uninspired, and untidy.” Mr Jamieson awarded it 2/5 stars.

Ms Roberts did not acquiesce to the solicitation, and instead retired back inside the door of Wetherspoons. It is expected that she will deliver a full statement some time this week.

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“GOD MIGHT JUST HATE SOUTHWEST ENGLAND”, SAY EXPERTS

As news comes of an earthquake hitting the south-west of England, just days after the worst flooding since The Ark, many experts are now concluding that “God might just hate” Somerset and Devon.

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“It is clear that these events are not just coincidence,” said Dr Jayne Hummer of the International Seismic Association in an interview with the BBC earlier today, “and that God – for whatever reason – probably just has a bee in his bonnet about the southwest.”

“Maybe it’s because of the unbalanced media coverage they’ve gotten. Maybe it’s because of The Archers. Who knows. All that we are capable of understanding is that some deity is taking out its angst on the battered people of Somerset and Devon.”

Warnings are already being issued to residents of the possibility of a “plague of locusts, mosquitoes, or politicians.” Many fear that the Rapture will come on swift wings.

ISLAND NATION FAMOUS FOR BAD WEATHER FAILS TO PREPARE FOR RAIN

Great Britain, surrounded by water on all sides and infamous for its bad weather, has once again failed to prepare for the chance it might rain.

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In a shock move, a country that is literally surrounded by water has yet again not prepared itself for flooding.

With a coastline nearly 20,000 miles long, and a capital city that is reputedly the third wettest city in Europe, the UK can be forgiven for forgetting that water exists and sometimes falls from the sky. Such was the case this winter, when hundreds of thousands of homes lost power to raging storms, and remained powerless for weeks on end.

In January and February, however, things got even worse when, in a surprising turn of events, the Somerset Levels – actually named for the fact that they are very flat – suffered extreme flooding.

“Well it came as a complete shock,” spluttered farmer Bill Roberts from under 8 feet of water. “It’s just not the sort of thing you expect to happen for the seventh year in a row.”

Environment Agency Chairman Lord Smith has come under fire for not issuing swift help to those affected by the rain, but he defended himself today while visiting some of the worst-hit areas:

“We’ve done an awful lot to try and stop the flooding. We’ve sent some soldiers to try and scare the water away by shooting at it, and we’ve sent the Prince of Wales to try and command the waters to leave, like King Cnut. We’ve even sent our apologies in the hope they might act as a barrier, but is is clear that our apologies just don’t hold water.” 

“We’re going to start sacrificing UKIP party members to the rain-god soon, see if that does the trick.”

It is expected that as soon as the water dries up, the flooding will be forgotten about until summer, when it will inevitably happen again. So look out for this article being reprinted in 6 months time, only with slightly different dates.

GOVE: CAPITAL PUNISHMENT FOR SCHOOLS IS “UNDERUSED”

In the latest of a long line of increasingly right-wing policies, Minster for Education Michael Gove has called for capital punishment to be “reintroduced” into schools, claiming it is “chronically underused”.

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Mr Gove has been at the forefront of British political news for the past week, denying allegations that he fired the Labour-leaning Chair of Ofsted, Baroness Morgan, in order to increase the number of Tories in top-spots. Known for his varying levels of competence and uncanny ability to hang onto a job no matter how unqualified he is for it, Gove has been trying to cover up his nepotistic tendencies by introducing wild new policies that have been lying in the bottom of a filing cabinet since 1955.

Such new policies include: make state schools more like private schools, enforce annual exams for every child over the age of 24 months, teach only the WASP view on history, and for schools to not be afraid to use old-fashioned punishments like “lines” and litter-picking.

However, things reached a head when Gove announced today that he intends to allow teachers to enforce capital punishment on misbehaving pupils: i.e., teachers may now send naughty children to the electric chair and/or gallows.

“I firmly believe that the key to teaching is fear” said Gove earlier at a press conference, “crippling, bone-chilling fear. And what is more feared than death – aside from, of course, mixing up one’s evening and morning suits? Therefore, from September 2014, teachers will be allowed to exercise capital punishment for any misdemeanour: from forgetting homework to skipping P.E., no crime will go unpunished.”

Mr Gove, who has been warned about “believing his own hype”, then left the stage on a sedan chair, followed by a crowd of cheerleaders throwing roses and Oxbridge diplomas into the air while “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” played over the tannoy system. 

“AND A HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR” – GEORGE OSBORNE WARNS BRITAIN OF TOUGH TIMES AHEAD

The UK Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, has unveiled plans to implement another £25bn worth of cuts over the next seven years, saying that 2014 will be “a year of hard truths”.

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Osborne said in a speech earlier today that he “had only just begun tackling the deficit”, as for the past four years he has been merely “fucking with people’s lives and culling socialists”.

The Chancellor revealed with a grin spreading slowly over his pox-ridden face that he expected to implement most of the cuts in benefits for the disabled, the poor, and single-parent families.

When met with accusations that he was deliberately targeting sectors of society that already suffer the most, he responded with the quip: “If single mothers want more money, they should just marry a rich man. I don’t understand what’s so complicated about that.”

“By the way,” he continued, “the position of Mrs Chancellor of the Exchequer is still open.”

Over the past four years, some critics have said that the Chancellor has been guilty of cutting disabled benefits to such an extent that he may as well be operating a system of euthanasia camps. “Indeed,” said Osborne, “it may well have to come to that if those paraplegics don’t start pulling their weight.”

“You can’t just sit around and expect everyone to pay for you to stay alive,” he continued while tucking into a feast of partridge, gold-encrusted almonds, and cranberry sauce laced with diamond, “Everyone has to pull their weight in these tough, tough times.”

It is expected that David Cameron will applaud the introduction of these cuts, and perhaps even create a legion of Stormtroopers that will actually invade people’s homes and forcefully take the money from their hands.

“Welcome to the year of the dragon, Britain” concluded the Chancellor as flames sprang up around his podium, “Things are about to get pretty fucked up.”

Osborne then joined the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse for a week of fox-hunting.

BREAKING NEWS: CHRISTMAS STORMS SAID TO BE WORK OF GREEN, LONG-FINGERED ‘GRINCH-LIKE’ VILLAIN

The storms that have ravaged the British Isles these past few days have been blamed on a green, hairy, long-fingered villain who possesses a “Grinch-like” attitude to Christmas, a spokesperson for the Meteorological Office has said.

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The storms, which have left 130,000 homes without power and ruined hundreds of Christmas travel plans, began last week and show little sign of clearing before the New Year.

It has now been revealed that the Meteorological Office can pinpoint the germination of the bad weather, and has found that it initially appeared on the top of a mountain above Whoville, Seussland, in the Arctic Circle.

Further study shows that not only did the weather originate at the top of the mountain, but it actually came from a super-villain-esque Bad Weather Machine.

A quick check of Whoville shop records reveals that the only Bad Weather Machine sold this year was to a Mr Grinch, who has a track record of interfering with Christmases. On this evidence, Interpol say that they are “sure beyond reasonable doubt” that this bad weather is the work of the Grinch.

It is expected that the bad weather will continue until Taylor Momsen can be tracked down and persuaded to star in a remake of How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

Jim Carrey refused to comment.

David Cameron’s idea to cut benefits for under 25s is shocking, misguided, and downright dangerous.

Actually, strike one of those – it’s not shocking at all. It’s exactly what you’d expect from his government. A government that has done shit all to create the “land of opportunity” that DC now waxes so lyrically about. 

This announcement is just the latest in a string of ideas that show the Tories do not care about the young of Britain; raising tuition fees, changing the way exams are laid out, cutting benefits; these will not promote the cultural and economic growth so needed in the youth of Britain.

Cameron’s attitude about the whole thing, promising to “nag and push” young people into education or work, shows just how out of touch he is with the current economic situation and its effects on the youth of Britain.

We do not need more benefit cuts. We need action to encourage growth. We need more schools, more creative platforms, and most importantly more jobs.

Removing a lifeline will not encourage us to swim – not at this late stage. It will just be another stone tied to our ankles, dragging us down into the deep waters of a lifetime of debt.