FARAGE JUST GOES RIGHT AHEAD AND PISSES ON AUDIENCE

UKIP Leader Nigel Farage urinates on BBC audience at election debate, kills puppy.

Last night’s Challengers Debate was brought to an abrupt end when Nigel Farage, leader of UKIP, whapped out his genitals and took a piss on the television audience.

Incensed at the red flags being waved by the lefty intelligentsia that filled the studio, Farage decided that only a good dose of common-sense poli-piss would dampen the flames of communism that were threatening to burn down this green and pleasant land.

“Even by BBC standards, you lot really are anarchist kiddie-killers”, whispered Farage as he slowly undid his flies in front of David Dimbleby’s face, before wrenching out his penis and soaking the lefty-liberal media stooges with his urine.

The other debaters – Ed Miliband, Nicola Sturgeon, Natalie Bennett, and Leanne Wood – watched in horror as Farage’s urine caused the Stalinist audience to burst into black flames and scream Billy Bragg songs in Polish.

Before long, the entire audience had been reduced to a smouldering pile of ash that, reforming itself into Aneurin Bevan, picked up Leanne Wood and marched her off stage to go kill the queen.

Farage then stared directly into the cameras as he raised a small albino puppy. “I’m coming for you, Juncker”, he sang in a falsetto, before crushing the puppy in one hand.

A snap poll taken at the end of the debate put Miliband and Farage neck-and-neck on a 32% approval rate.

UKIP CANDIDATE TWEETS ENTIRE CONTENTS OF “MEIN KAMPF”

William Henwood, UKIP candidate, defends tweets as “not racist”.

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Henwood, who is standing for council election in this year’s European elections has tweeted the entire contents of Adolf Hitler’s ‘Mein Kampf’ – a cornerstone work of the German Nazi Party, written while Hitler was in prison in Bavaria.

William Henwood took to the social media site today following allegations that previous tweets of his – suggesting that Lenny Henry should go to a “black country” – were “vile racism”.

He has also previously used Twitter to compare Islam to the Third Reich: “Islam reminds me of the 3rd Reich Strength through violence against the citizens.”

He has defended these past tweets, saying that they were “not offensive”. However, Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt said on BBC Radio 5 Live that the tweets were “absolutely disgusting”.

Henwood’s decision to respond to these allegations of racism by tweeting the entire contents of ‘Mein Kampf’ has been met with staunch opposition and bewilderment from across the political spectrum.

In response to one tweet: “Was there any shady undertaking, any form of foulness, especially in cultural life, in which at least one Jew did not participate?”, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said “wtf are you doing, son?”

A later tweet discussing the pros and cons of offering Christian teachings to “the negro” was retweeted by UKIP Party Leader Nigel Farage, along with the annotation: “Bloody hell Bill, were u in that plane crash too?!? Sort ur head out.”

However, Mr Henwood has shown no signs of “sorting his head out”: with tweets limited to 140 characters, his mission to tweet the entire contents of Mein Kampf will take him hours if not days to complete; despite the evident enthusiasm with which he is tackling the challenge.

A UKIP party spokesman has said of Henwood’s actions: “Every party has at least one maverick. Bill will sort himself out in the end.”

More on this story as it develops.

NICK CLEGG CHALLENGES LORD RENNARD TO RAP BATTLE

The leader of the Liberal Democrats, Nick Clegg, has challenged Lord Chris Rennard to a rap battle to decide “which mutha steps down”.

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Lord Rennard, Lib Dem peer since 1999, has recently been at the heart of a sexual misconduct scandal that forced him to resign as Chief Whip last year.

Claims that he sexually assaulted women drove Rennard to leave his high-ranking position, and have plagued him since. However, Lord Rennard refuses to admit any such sexual advances, and despite Nick Clegg’s demands for an apology, refuses to say sorry on the legal grounds that “to apologise would be an admission of guilt”.

The Deputy Prime Minister today released a statement that “Rennard has pushed me and the party too far: as far as I’m concerned, there is only one way to settle this debate. I’m afraid I must challenge Lord Rennard to a bitchin’ rap battle.”

Such a challenge is not unheard of in Westminster, with rap battles traditionally taking place between vying Prime Minister hopefuls; however, this is the first time that a rap battle will take place between two members of the same political party.

Mr Clegg has requested that the rap battle take place in the House of Commons rather than the House of Lords. It is no secret that the Deputy Prime Minister is uneasy in the Lords, but it is unclear how much of an advantage the home turf will offer him as Lord Rennard can allegedly “rip up sick beats on any ground, any time”.

While Lord Rennard is yet to release a reply to Mr Clegg’s challenge, sources close to the peer have revealed he is already hard at work thinking of words to rhyme with “Nick”.

DAVID CAMERON URGES FRACKING OPPONENTS TO “GET ON BOARD” AS HE TUCKS WADS OF NOTES INTO HIS BACK POCKET

The Prime Minister was heard today advising any who oppose fracking – namely, anyone who cares about saving the planet and isn’t so spineless as to waver when gas companies start shoving fistfuls of dollars in their face –  to “get on board” the pro-fracking side of life.

 

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“Come to our side, you hippies,” the Prime Minister said, beckoning to campaigners with £5 notes, “life’s so much more fun when you stop caring about the future.”

“Screw the children’s lives, we can always buy more planets” he shouted from atop his Golden Throne of Hypocrisy, “Do stop exercising your democratic right to protest and come to the fun side of the party.”

The Prime Minister, who has been present at countless meetings dedicated to saving the environment, is now in full support of drilling huge holes into the Earth and extracting noxious gas from its depths. Psychiatrists are baffled at this sudden change of heart, though it is to be noted that Cameron has ordered his tailor to stitch bigger pockets onto his trousers: “for the… children’s charity money”, he said, looking from side to side shiftily.

Cameron also announced the beginning of the “shale your soul to the devil” campaign, in which councils that support ripping holes in the ground beneath their feet will be given a large sum of money that is in no way a bribe at all.

Critics of the project – those that are left, anyway – have suggested that perhaps Mr Cameron’s eagerness to start fracking is borne from his desire to dig down to Hell so he can shake hands with the Dark Lord and maybe stop for a cup of tea with Mrs Thatcher while he’s there.

“In conclusion” concluded Cameron, “stop being a bunch of prissy little hippies and let me ruin the environment. In return, I’ll give you back some of the money I’ve stolen from the disabled. Savvy?”

“AND A HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR” – GEORGE OSBORNE WARNS BRITAIN OF TOUGH TIMES AHEAD

The UK Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, has unveiled plans to implement another £25bn worth of cuts over the next seven years, saying that 2014 will be “a year of hard truths”.

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Osborne said in a speech earlier today that he “had only just begun tackling the deficit”, as for the past four years he has been merely “fucking with people’s lives and culling socialists”.

The Chancellor revealed with a grin spreading slowly over his pox-ridden face that he expected to implement most of the cuts in benefits for the disabled, the poor, and single-parent families.

When met with accusations that he was deliberately targeting sectors of society that already suffer the most, he responded with the quip: “If single mothers want more money, they should just marry a rich man. I don’t understand what’s so complicated about that.”

“By the way,” he continued, “the position of Mrs Chancellor of the Exchequer is still open.”

Over the past four years, some critics have said that the Chancellor has been guilty of cutting disabled benefits to such an extent that he may as well be operating a system of euthanasia camps. “Indeed,” said Osborne, “it may well have to come to that if those paraplegics don’t start pulling their weight.”

“You can’t just sit around and expect everyone to pay for you to stay alive,” he continued while tucking into a feast of partridge, gold-encrusted almonds, and cranberry sauce laced with diamond, “Everyone has to pull their weight in these tough, tough times.”

It is expected that David Cameron will applaud the introduction of these cuts, and perhaps even create a legion of Stormtroopers that will actually invade people’s homes and forcefully take the money from their hands.

“Welcome to the year of the dragon, Britain” concluded the Chancellor as flames sprang up around his podium, “Things are about to get pretty fucked up.”

Osborne then joined the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse for a week of fox-hunting.

JUDGE JOHNSON TO JURY: IGNORE PM’S ‘NIGELLA COMMENTS’

Judge Robin Johnson, who is presiding over the trial of two of Nigella Lawson’s former personal assistants, has asked the jury to ignore any comments made my the Prime Minister David Cameron on the subject of the TV chef.

 

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Cameron, 47, was being interviewed in the Spectator magazine when he said that he was “a massive fan of Nigella” and he “wouldn’t kick her out of bed.”

He went on to say “Nigella and I used to do coke all the time together. In fact, we came up with some of her best recipes while crapped out of our minds. We drifted apart when Samantha [Cameron] came onto the scene, but I’m still definitely on Team Nigella”.

Judge Johnson said to the jury at the Isleworth Crown Court that Mr Cameron’s remarks were “regrettable, but understandable”, and asked that the jury “try and eliminate all thoughts of Mr Cameron and Ms. Lawson copulating, for the good of your health”.

It is expected that Mr Cameron will not face trial for his confessions to the Spectator magazine, but will face a frosty dinnertime tonight.

TREASURY MINISTER DISMISSES 11% PAY RISE AS INAPPROPRIATE, CALLS FOR “GOLD AND SLAVES INSTEAD”

The Treasury Minister Danny Alexander has condemned plans to give MPs a pay rise of 11%, saying that it is “too little, too late” and demanding that MPs are given “our weight in gold, and some slaves would be nice too.”

 

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The pay rise of 11% was suggested by the parliamentary watchdog IPSA, who says that a one-off increase in payment is “justified”. However, many MPs are disgruntled with the suggestion, claiming that “£74,000 is just not enough to live on. We need a living wage, not a minimum wage”.

The Treasury Minister’s call for “gold and slaves” is not a lone voice; many politicians resent the fact that they are denied slaves, and have lobbied for a reform on the Abolition for years. Michael Gove, Education Secretary, is one such lobbyist:

“I firmly believe that slavery will restore England to its former glory, especially in terms of education. If schools were to follow my suggestions and teach only British history instead of this stupid “international history”, they would see that slavery wasn’t all that bad. I personally will not rest until slavery reappears in these isles, and where better for it to reappear than in my own council chambers? Bring on the shackles, I say!”

David Cameron, Prime Minister, has rejected such requests for slavery, saying that “it would be bad PR”. However, he does insist that MPs are paid more than their current wage. “Somewhere between £3bn and £5bn would be nice” he was heard saying yesterday to an assistant while visiting an orphanage to pick his monthly sacrificial victim, “though I don’t want to seem greedy.”

Caroline Lucas, widely recognised as the only living MP anybody could stand to have a conversation with, has actually called for a decrease in wages. It is expected that she will ‘disappear’ by the end of the year.