JUDGE JOHNSON TO JURY: IGNORE PM’S ‘NIGELLA COMMENTS’

Judge Robin Johnson, who is presiding over the trial of two of Nigella Lawson’s former personal assistants, has asked the jury to ignore any comments made my the Prime Minister David Cameron on the subject of the TV chef.

 

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Cameron, 47, was being interviewed in the Spectator magazine when he said that he was “a massive fan of Nigella” and he “wouldn’t kick her out of bed.”

He went on to say “Nigella and I used to do coke all the time together. In fact, we came up with some of her best recipes while crapped out of our minds. We drifted apart when Samantha [Cameron] came onto the scene, but I’m still definitely on Team Nigella”.

Judge Johnson said to the jury at the Isleworth Crown Court that Mr Cameron’s remarks were “regrettable, but understandable”, and asked that the jury “try and eliminate all thoughts of Mr Cameron and Ms. Lawson copulating, for the good of your health”.

It is expected that Mr Cameron will not face trial for his confessions to the Spectator magazine, but will face a frosty dinnertime tonight.

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NIGELLA LAWSON CONFESSESS: “I’VE DONE DRUGS SINCE I WAS ELEVEN”

Disgraced chef, Nigella Lawson, who was yesterday accused of being “off her head” on drugs by her ex-husband Charles Saatchi, has confessed that she was indeed on drugs, and had been “since I was eleven.”

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The chef, in court to give evidence in the trial of her two personal assistants, broke down mid-sentence before weeping “it’s true, it’s all true.”

She then went on to confess that not only had she been doing drugs since she was eleven, but that she had also been putting the drugs in each and every dish she made for celebrities on her various cooking shows.

She claims responsibility for the addiction of more than a dozen A-List celebrities.

Lawson also confessed that the ingredients in all her recipes, if prepared correctly, will amalgamate into a very potent faux-cocaine. This faux-cocaine has the same addictive properties as normal cocaine, and Lawson confessed she hoped it would encourage people to buy her recipes more.

If this is true, warned Judge Robin Johnson, Nigella could be found to be the “largest drug dealer we have ever seen”, and will face at least three life sentences in prison.

More on this story as it develops